AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS - PART TWO - Why doesn't everyone agree with me?

I still remember the car trip like it was yesterday. I had just spent the weekend in Mt Gambier with my youth group. It was a long drive back to Melbourne, so I opted to avoid the stinky church bus filled with ratty boys and jumped into the car of a young woman who had recently joined our church. I was 15 years old, leading a sheltered existence within my church and faith-based school.

The car trip was progressing nicely with interesting banter about life when suddenly, my travelling companion dropped a 'moral bomb' on me. She casually mentioned that she goes to the pub on a Friday night to have a drink with her friends. What? The driver of my car professed to be a Christian AND drinks alcohol? I began to feel sick, my ears became blocked and began to throb. I felt dizzy. I had to get out of the car. My driver was an alcoholic!!!!!

Conversation became strained after this confession and I was eager to get back on the smelly bus at the next McDonald's stop. The young woman obviously sensed my disapproval as I don't recall ever seeing her at church again after this event. In hindsight, I have no doubt that this woman was nothing but a social drinker, but at the time, I didn't know how to respond to this variation on my worldview.

The reason this situation arose was that I had been raised in a home where alcohol was not consumed. In fact I signed a declaration at seven, and later at fourteen, declaring I would never consume 'intoxicating liquor'. This declaration was part of a larger document that also outlined the spiritual beliefs that I understood to be true. Unfortunately, as the declaration to not drink alcohol was on the same sheet of paper, I had wrongly come to presume that not drinking alcohol was an integral part of my faith - and no one had told me any different.

Faced with someone who held a variation to my world view terrified me. I was ill-equipped to understand that it was possible to maintain a warm friendship with someone who made different choices to me, no matter how great or small.

My parents had every right to educate me in the Christian worldview and to hope (and pray) that I would continue to follow in that path. However, I had wrongly come to believe that some things, such as not drinking alcohol, were a core belief because I didn't fully understand some aspects of the worldview I was learning about. I also hadn't learnt that some people will hold variations to my beliefs and others will believe something that is in total opposition to what I believe.

So how do we encourage our children to follow our own worldview without developing a fear or disrespect for the views of others? The current debates over our refugee policy and same-sex marriage has mobilized dozens of lobby groups each with distinct worldviews, vying to declare what is the 'correct' response to these issues. Sadly, as the debates continue, the arguments are going beyond the core issue to criticism of the belief systems of others. This is incredibly sad and perpetuates this fear of others and their beliefs.

So how do we raise well-balanced young people who hold a distinct worldview, can develop a viewpoint and express it in a way that displays tolerance and respect for others?

Here is my feeble attempt:

1) If you wish your child to follow your worldview, whatever it is, explain to them what you believe and why. Give your child logical, well-thought out information. Give them information about what you believe at age appropriate times. Avoid emotion-loaded propaganda about your worldview or that of someone else.

2) Encourage your child to ask questions, express their doubts and challenge your worldview. If your worldview cannot stand-up to the questions of a twelve year old, may I suggest you pick a more robust worldview?

3) Point out the similarities and differences between your worldview and others. BUT, do so in a way that is respectful of the other worldviews and the people that hold them. Teach your child to ask questions of others respectfully and to present their perspective without 'lecturing' or 'arguing'.

4) Coach your children in the art of not being visibly shocked or offended by the views of others, no matter how wild or wacky they may appear to be. Teach them that they can be friends with people who hold different worldviews and that there is actually the potential to learn from them.

5) Finally, teach your child to maintain their own values and principles even when other people are doing things they don't agree with. Respecting the views of others does not mean allowing them to push you into doing things you don't want to do.

Just for the record, a few short years after this fateful car trip, I started working for a Melbourne-based Airline and discovered the joys of hanging out with my workmates at the pub on a Friday after work. I still didn't drink, but I learnt that I could have a great night out with people who come at life from a whole different perspective!

AWKWARD CONVERSATION – PART ONE – THOSE NAUGHTY WORDS.

*Trigger warning – This post contains vocabulary and themes that may not be appropriate for your children. Please wait until after your children go to bed to read this one!

It was 35 years ago, and yet my mother still has difficulty getting over possibly one of ‘her’ most embarrassing moments. I was 7, my sisters had moved out of home and I rarely had friends over to play games with. My parents had brought a traveling preacher home for dinner one evening and whilst mum prepared dinner, this very kind gentleman offered to play a game with me. Problem was, we were playing checkers, which requires someone to go first. Rather than taking the liberty of going first, I decided to choose who should start by using the very reliable and yet random method known as ‘eenie meenie, miney, mo’ (Spelling of the rhyme provided by Justin Bieber in his song – Eenie meenie – cheers Justin!).

And so I began…….

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo

Catch a n@$?@r by the toe

If he hollers, let him go

Eeenie, meenie, miney, mo

My mum came running into the living room quite flustered. “Louise, where did you learn that?”

She then turned to our guest, “I’m so sorry, I’ve never heard her say that before!”

I was totally confused. What did I do wrong? I don’t think our guest was embarrassed by it, his cheeks weren’t red, but it was hard to tell as he did have particularly dark skin on account of his African heritage.

With much blustering and hand gesturing, I surmised that I had used a word that for some reason was offensive for people with dark skin. To be honest, it wasn’t until I read ‘To kill a mockingbird’ that I truly realised just what emotions my use of that word would have evoked for our dinner guest all those years ago.

As I said in my introductory blog, many of our parents were brought up in an era where we avoided discussing things that were thought to be private or indelicate. The word ‘nigger’ was one of those words.

When I am faced with my children uttering words that make my ears turn a little pink, I try to take the following approach:

1)  Approach my children calmly, without a trace of anger.

2) Ask them to repeat the full sentence or phrase they uttered. It is quite possible they have mispronounced a different word and had no idea how the word sounded to me. A quick lesson in how to pronounce their intended word correctly should do the trick.

3) If my child has indeed said a ‘bad word’, ask them if they know what it means. If they already know the meaning, you may need to simply explain to them why we don’t use the word and the offence the word may cause to other listeners. Due to my adherence to the Christian worldview, I would explain to my children that I want them to use words that build up and encourage other people. Using words that put people down or may cause other people offence goes against that goal.

If it turns out that my child does not have a full understanding of the word being used, then I would explain the word in terms that are age appropriate. 

If the word is related to a person’s cultural heritage or appearance, I may say something like, “This word is used by people who want to be unkind to men and women with dark skin/who come from Asia/have an intellectual disability. It is a word that is often used to convey hate and anger. I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it may still cause pain to other people who hear it. Please don’t say it again.” If the child is older, I may even give them a book or article to read about the history of the people group they are speaking about. 

If the word is related to sexuality, I would definitely tailor my explanation to what the child already knows. For your average 5-12 year old, I might take this approach. “The word you just said is an impolite/rude/crass way of talking about something that God originally created for adults to enjoy. It is a not a word that that should be used for fun. When you use it, you are taking something very special and using it to hurt and offend others.” 

If the child is older, I may say, “That word is a crass way of talking about sex/female genitals etc.  I will tell you what those words mean, but I want you to refer to these things by their proper term and in the proper context from now on.”

Once children are armed with the true meaning of what they are saying and understand the impact the word may have upon other people, it is hoped they should stop using the word. If a child continues to use the word, then you may be dealing with an ongoing issue of disobedience rather than a mild case of ‘potty-mouth’.   

The days of parents turning red-faced and embarrassed or angry really should be over. If we want our children and teenagers to come to us to ask about ‘taboo’ subjects, they need to trust us to give them a balanced, honest, helpful response. We need to lay the foundations for that from a very early age and establish a long track record of trust and unflappable honesty. If we don’t, there will be plenty of peers, teachers, web sites and worse, that will fill in the gaps….and believe me, you really don’t want that!