2018 class placements - when your child isn't with their friends.....

It finally happened.

We found out that next year my son will be going into a different class to his two best friends. The two friends that have been by his side since he started school.  As a parent, your heart aches when your child comes home and tells you they don’t feel like they have any friends at school. And when your child is separated from their close-knit friendship group during the class placement process, a sense of annoyance and frustration begins to well up inside you.

Do I go to the school and complain to the teacher?

Do I demand that my child be moved to the class with their friends?

Do I email the principal and make them aware of the travesty that has been committed in the name of education?

Do I tell my child to get over it?

Do I regale them with stories about the times we felt we had no friends at school?

Actually no – none of the above responses is ideal.

Let me tell you, from a teacher’s perspective, about why your child may have been placed in a class away from their friendship group.

1) Your child may be a delightful student, but they are easily distracted by their group of friends and are missing out on learning opportunities because they are too busy socialising. They may be moved into a class with a group of children who will be less distracting and allow your child to flourish educationally.

2) Your child may be a gentle, kind child. However, their friendship group is smothering your child and not allowing them to exert their independence and make decisions for themselves. Placing your child in another class will allow your child the freedom to make their own decisions and form new friendships without pressure from their current friends.

3)  The teacher your child has been placed with has a personality and teaching style that will really suit your child, but not their current friendship group. The school staff, in their wisdom, may have decided to place greater importance on who is teaching your child rather than keeping friends together.

4) Your child may be becoming too reliant on just one or two friends and is not developing their ability to work and socialise with a variety of children. By separating your child from their friends at this stage, they will learn valuable skills about making new friends and working with a variety of people. Your child will not learn these skills if they are left with their ‘old friends’ indefinitely.

5) Your child may have specific learning needs that are similar to another child in the year level. By placing children with similar needs together in one class, school resources can be pooled together and allocated to ensure that your child, and the child with similar needs, get the maximum support possible. However, this may mean that there are not enough places in the class to accommodate your child's friends.

6) Your child may have leadership skills, just like their best friend does. However, by keeping the friends together, neither child may have the chance to truly lead their classmates. By separating the friends, both children will have the chance to be leaders in their class without stepping on the toes of the other.

No matter why your child has found themselves in a class away from their friends – it’s gonna hurt. It may be a cloud that will hang over their head for the summer holidays. It will take time to ‘get over it’. So what do we, as parents, do to support our child through this?

1) Acknowledge to your child that being separated from a close friend is really hard.

2) Encourage them to devise ways that they can catch up with their friends at recess and lunch in the new school year.

3) Organise playdates after school and during the holidays with their old friends and remind your child that these playdates can keep happening all through the year even though they are in separate classes.

4) Ask your child (or your child’s teacher) about who else is in your child’s new class. If you have access to a school directory, you could invite some of the children in your child’s new class to come over for a playdate. In one situation, I emailed the school admissions officer and asked them to email a new family on my behalf, giving them my email address and phone number so that I could arrange a playdate with our kids so that they could get to know each other before school started.

5) Arrange a birthday party or ‘Back to school’ party very early in the new school year and invite all the boys/girls/kids in the class over to your home or meet at a local playground. This really helps to create a sense of inclusiveness within a class group as no one is excluded from the party.  

6) Tell your child’s new class teacher that your child feels separated from their friends. Ask the teacher to just encourage your child to make sure they head out to recess and lunch with a friend so that they have someone to play with.  

We all know that being separated from good friends is hard and disappointing. The feeling of being left out and isolated is difficult. But persevere with your child, do what you can to support them in nurturing new friendships. And remember, school staff are there to help your child. If your child is really struggling with being away from their friends, let the school know so that they can keep an eye on the situation for you

.

Let's embrace the labels....

A few years ago Robyn*, the daughter of a close friend was diagnosed with a severe allergy to nuts. She was 'anaphylactic'. With this diagnosis, came the implementation of a management plan should Robyn have a reaction to nuts. Epi-pens were purchased, teachers were alerted and classmates were kindly requested to keep their peanut butter sandwiches as an after school treat. Robyn has anaphylaxis, she was now one of 'those' kids. However, for Robyn's family it was peace of mind. They knew exactly what had made their child unwell on previous occasions and they were able to inform their community networks of the diagnosis. Sometimes, I hosted Robyn in my house after school until her mum finished work. I was very careful to check everything I offered Robyn, her brother and my own children as I didn't want to risk making Robyn unwell. Yes, it took a little extra effort. Yes, I occasionally had to change the food I fed my own children on those days. Yes, it was my absolute pleasure to demonstrate my love for Robyn and her family by ensuring I didn't give anyone food containing nuts. Rather than making things harder, Robyn's diagnosis made it easier to know exactly what I could and couldn't feed her. What a relief!

Many years ago, I taught Foundation (Prep). I loved teaching little people how to conduct themselves at school and introduce them to the formal disciplines of literacy and numeracy. However, this was also the time when I had to sit down with some parents and raise the possibility that their child didn't find the experience of school as easy as their peers did. Perhaps their child didn't come back to the classroom when the bell rang, perhaps they were the ones who wouldn't let go of their parents EVERY morning, perhaps they were the one who were so withdrawn they wouldn't speak to me, perhaps they were eating chalk when they thought I wasn't looking, perhaps they were incredible at mathematics but couldn't hold a pencil properly in order to write their name legibly. The list went on and on.

I loved every child I taught, but for some students, I needed more information so that I could truly cater to their needs and ensure that they received the support they needed in order to thrive. I wanted a label! Now before you all get angry at me for wanting to label children, hear me out.....I don't want children to get diagnosed with something just so I can pop them into a box labelled 'different'. I want children to receive a diagnosis so that I can use research-proven, evidence-based methods to teach the child in a way that will work for them. I want to love that child and their family by getting to the heart of what will allow them to thrive.

If you tell me that a child has trouble with expressive language (they find it hard to communicate their ideas), then I won't expect them to sit down and write a two page story in a 1.5 hour lesson. Instead, I will give them time to draw a picture of their story idea. I will allow them to talk with other children about their ideas. I will celebrate the fact that they managed to write the opening paragraph and communicate the setting of the story whilst their peers are being asked to edit their completed two page stories. When I know a child is learning with the added impact of a recognised learning difficulty, I will change the rules and move the goal posts so that my students still experience success.

What about children who are diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder? When a parent tells me their child has received this diagnosis, I set out on a little mission to discover what does and doesn't work for that child. I will watch their body language all the more closely to make sure that they are feeling comfortable and safe within my classroom. A child cannot learn if they are always on edge, trying to cope with the constant changes and interruptions that naturally occur in the classroom. If I find the child huddling under my desk after lunch, I won't demand they come out and act 'sensibly', because at that moment, hiding under the desk is the best thing they can do to calm themselves down. However, if one of my other students, who do not live with the added pressure of a learning difficulty, thinks he can go hiding under my desk for a bit of fun......he will be promptly asked to get out from under my desk and get on with what he is meant to be doing.

Learning that your child has a diagnosed condition does not limit your child. It actually gives your child the opportunity to be understood and appreciated for who they truly are. It allows educators to tailor their teaching in a way that will actually work for your child. It prevents your child for being punished for not doing things that they are actually not yet able to do and it prevents your child for being disciplined for engaging in behaviours that they need to engage in in order to calm themselves down and feel safe. If a teacher asks you to investigate whether your child has a learning difficulty, embrace the opportunity to explore your child's strengths and weaknesses. Finding a label may actually be the most liberating thing you can do for your child.



*Not her real name

Overload! Overload! Overload!

Some of you would have seen my photo post last week of my to-do list. It's a bit eclectic. There are uni assignments rubbing shoulders with house cleaning, and curriculum writing competing with locating my plethora of receipts ready for my tax return. Add to that a part-time job, two children and church commitments and I am in cognitive overload.

I don't write this so that you can feel sorry for me.....I know full well (in hindsight) that I shouldn't have taken on the additional curriculum writing job. I didn't enjoy the job when I did it 3 years ago, so why on earth did I think I would like it now????

The overload came up on me so stealthily. One week I am in a routine of work, household duties and church commitments, and the next week I am mentally paralyzed by where to start on my multiple-page task list. I can always tell when I am in the place of cognitive overload. Firstly, I begin to spend a lot more time at the shops and buy lots of 'necessities' that I didn't seem to need last week. Saturday, the kids and I spent 2 hours at the shops looking for the ultimate additions to the childrens' lives. (We bought a small indoor tent, a skipping rope, an outdoor bat tennis kit, a large ball that looks like a watermelon, a small ball that bounces really high, a $1 bag of army men to go in the backyard and $6 worth of fairy paraphernalia for my daughter's garden project.)  Monday, I wandered around one local shopping centre for 2.5 hours after I dropped the kids at school. Yesterday, I spent another 90 minutes at a different shopping centre buying more 'essentials'. (91 Storey Treehouse book, 8 boxes of cereal, two bags of hay and two half price scented candles.) As I walked to my car with three plastic bags stretched tight with breakfast cereal, I thought - yup - something is going on here. I am avoiding something......

Anyway, I drove into my driveway and admired my freshly weeded front garden. I watered the seedlings that I planted last week. Interestingly enough, weeding the garden and purchasing and planting seedlings was not on the to-do list last week either.....but it did get done ahead of EVERYTHING else on my to-do list.

Yup - I am in cognitive overload. I am so overloaded that I don't even want to be home near my laptop because I will see it and be gripped by guilt. At the shops and in the garden, I am totally occupied, but if I sit down on the couch, there it is - just over there.....my laptop and those maths books....whispering my name.....in a really annoying voice.

About now, some of you are saying - 'This blogger has lost her mind. Where on earth is she going with this?' The other half of you are saying 'This blogger is awesome. I do exactly the same thing. In fact, this blogger understands my way of thinking so well that I might just go and read all her blogs and then I will do an internet search on cognitive overload and then I might just check on the garden and.....' I suspect the latter readers will also have some pressing tasks that they should be doing instead.

I am happy for you to laugh with me or even at me, as I reveal the inner workings of my mind. However, I also want you to take a look at your kids.

Do your kids:

• come home from school and complain about this massive assignment they have to do and then sit on the couch and play on their phone for the rest of the afternoon?

• have meltdowns because they just don't know where to start on their assignment and when you offer advice they yell at you? 

• leave stuff all over the house and appear unable or unwilling to complete any household chores? 

• has your child recently developed an unusual interest in gardening, needlework, bird-watching or something else equally unexpected?

• does your child appear 'down' or 'moodier' than usual?

If any one of these sound familiar, you may have a child in cognitive overload. They are so overwhelmed by what they are meant to be doing that they end up doing nothing. 

You may think that picking up the pile of clothes behind their door is a 'no-brainer', but to a kid who is feeling overloaded, that clothes pile is as challenging as a hike up Mt Koziusko. 

Think of it this way: 

1. Teenager knows they have a HUGE assignment to do. They feel tired from school and are feeling mildly sick in the stomach with worry about how they are going to complete it.
2. Mum says 'clean up your room'.  
3. They walk into their room. There is chaos everywhere.
4. Teenager thinks 'I don't know where to start!' They pick up the pile of clothes from behind the door. But then they need to decide which items are clean, which items are dirty. Then they need to put away the clean clothes. Augh, but the drawers are stuffed full of items that were hastily put away last week. In order to put away the clothes, the drawers need to be re-organised. 'I don't have time for this, I have a massive assignment to complete,' they think.
5. Teenager drops clothes back on the floor.
6. Teenager goes over to their cluttered desk. Mum has dumped some random magazines on the desk that had been left in the lounge room. Teenager knows they need to work on their assignment, but the desk needs to be cleared. Magazines should be looked at before they are put away. 
7. 90 minutes later, magazines are thrown on top of the clothes pile behind the door, teenager now feels ready to study.
8. Just as the laptop boots up, Mum asks teenager to come and set the table for dinner. Teenager feels angry because mum doesn't understand that they were just about to get into their assignment. Mum feels angry that teenager has been in their room for almost 2 hours and it is still as messy as it was when she asked them to clean up.
9. Mum and teenager have argument after dinner about messy room and not helping out around the house
10. Teenager becomes so upset and angry that they are no longer calm enough to work on their assignment.
11. Teenager lays on their bed, texting their friends till midnight and thinking about how worried they are about the assignment and how unreasonable their mum is.
12. Teenager wakes up next morning tired and stressed about their assignment.
13. Return to step one.

I know, I know. Some of you are thinking, 'kids should just be able to do what they are asked and just get on with their school work.' But if they are feeling a sense of being overwhelmed, it is almost impossible to get started. If they can't get started, how are they going to finish it?

If your kids are struggling to get their schoolwork done- they may just be totally overwhelmed. 

What can you do to help?

 

• Sit down with your kids and chat about EVERYTHING they feel they need to do. Find out what tasks they don't need to do, what tasks can be delayed and what tasks are a priority. Use task lists, organiser apps or anything else that will help them mange the tasks on their plate.

• Work out a plan of how they are going to tackle their work. Do they need an hour of down time before they get started? Would it help if you dropped them at the public library for a couple of hours? Do little brothers and sisters need to play outside for an hour or two to keep the house quiet?

• Try and eliminate any distractions to their work. Help them to keep their room clean during busy assignments times. Don't dump clean washing and random items on their bed and expect them to sort them and put them away the moment they come home.

• Keep non-essential devices out of their rooms after a certain time. These can distract from work and also keep kids up waaaaayyyyy to late.

• Work with your child to develop a schedule of working time and down time. It is unreasonable to expect them to work five hours every night until their assignment is done. Encourage them to invest an hour of work and then thirty minutes of downtime where they can play computer games or text friends.

• 'Chill Out' - This is only a season in your kids lives. Supporting them however you can during busy assignment times and then enforcing house chores etc in the quieter times will make for much happier household dynamics and will actually make it easier for your child to just get on with their work.

I know, I know. Some of you are shaking your head at my naievity about dealing with teenagers. 'We had to keep doing our household chores when we were in school,' you argue. Yes, that is true. But I can tell you straight up - times have changed. The constant stream of information flooding our childrens' head-space and the depth and diversity of information they are exposed to is so much greater than we had to cope with when we were in school. Although our kids lives are physically easier than life was in the past, it is cognitively more difficult. We need to lovingly support and coach our kids through this stage of life. 

 

Taking a breath in the midst of year 12

I have few memories of year 12 now - it was in 1992. However. one photo sticks in my mind. It was the one of me sitting outside my parents' caravan in Merimbula doing a bit of holiday homework. Fortunately I was looking quite fashionable in my checked pants, green vest over a white skivvy and a bowler hat on. (Let's just say it was a very short-lived fashion trend).

I remember having one meltdown that year. It was over a maths task that involved computers and x and y coordinates. I had a meltdown and then I got on with it. I finished year 12, went to Uni and then became a waitress. True story!!!!

So much has changed in 25 years. I don't know whether the term 'meltdown' was even used in relation to year 12 back then. Nowadays, if your upper high school student hasn't had a meltdown, then you are in the minority.

So here we are in the July school holidays. Your year 12 offspring may not be physically attending school for two weeks - but where is their head at? Can I ask that this school holidays you take some time out to 'hang out' with your high school students. Go to THEIR favourite cafe, let them order whatever they want (without making any remark about the health benefits of their choices) and ask them how they are feeling. Give your teenager time to debrief. Don't correct their misconceptions, don't argue with them. JUST LISTEN. 

Allow them to tell you about how annoying it is when their sister plays the Ukulele after dinner when they are trying to study. Let them vent about the frustration of Dad mowing the lawn under their window at 10 a.m. on a Saturday. JUST LISTEN. 

Ask them how they are feeling about school. How are they feeling about their work? Is there anything they are worried about at the moment? What are they scared of? Excited about? 

Having let your teenager 'download', ask them how you can best support them, Their requests may seem unreasonable or over the top, but just listen and see what small steps you can take to help them. Maybe it is enforcing an hour of quiet time every afternoon in the household to give them quiet study space. Maybe it is taking the younger siblings out to a park on Saturday mornings for a time.

Understand that although you didn't find year 12 stressful when you went through it, the landscape has changed dramatically in the last 30 years. Your kids are facing stressors they we may not have faced until our mid-20's - if at all.

Also be aware of your teenager's mental health. As one who was diagnosed with depression shortly after year 12, I am well aware of the impact sustained stress can have upon a young person. If you have any concerns, take your teenager along to the GP and have a chat.

Although everyone around them gives the impression that year 12 is the decider for their ENTIRE future....it actually isn't! There are so many options out there for future study and work that do not rely upon an incredible ATAR to pursue. It is also important to remember that your teenager will more than likely retrain and pursue a number of career options throughout their lifetime. Year 12 is not their 'only shot' at a great future. Remind them of this as often as you need to.

Finally - parents RELAX. You getting all upset and stressed on your child's behalf is not going to help them. You need to be there with the hot chocolate and marshmallows, the Friday night pizza, the family trip to Mini Golf. You need to be the calm in the storm. Will you do that for your teenager?

Louise

xxx

What if there are too many options?

One of my treasured blog readers contacted me a couple of days ago and asked if we could have a chat. I was so excited that someone who reads my blog actually wanted to talk to me about education!

My reader was wanting to hear my thoughts on the best way forward for their child. Their child has a learning disability. It's one of those 'tricky' situations whereby their child's needs do not qualify for government funding for support in their school. However, the child would benefit enormously from the provision of classroom aide support and speech therapy, the cost of which would need to be covered by the family.

Let's face it, we would do anything we can to help our children get through school successfully, yet at the same time, we don't have thousands of dollars at out disposal to invest in therapies, classroom aides, and parent training courses. We also can't afford to dedicate our every waking hour to the needs of just one of our children when we also need to go to work, provide meals for our family and look after our other children. The challenge is to choose the best option for our child that will give them the support they need without sending us broke.

This article sets out some of the options for children with a mild learning disability that does not qualify for government funding yet would benefit from additional educational support.

Here are some of the options before you: 

Do not pay for any additional intervention:

Many students travel through our mainstream school system with an unidentified learning disorder. Sometimes these are the children who work so hard everyday in order to 'just grasp' the material being presented to them. In other cases, it's the children who 'appear' to be misbehaving but really are just trying to avoid revealing that they are struggling to understand what is being taught.

Then there are the children who have a diagnosed, mild learning disability. These children make their way through school at their own pace without any additional support beyond the classroom teacher. It's hard going, but many make it through okay. The flip side is that some young people become overwhelmed with the pressure of school when they find learning difficult. These students end up leaving school prematurely when they could have stayed had they have been provided with some additional support.

Classroom teachers are trained to cater to the wide range of abilities in their classroom and will do everything they can to support children for whom learning is difficult. Many schools will also run numeracy and literacy groups to give free additional support to children who are struggling in the classroom. Before you dive into paying for tutors and therapists, check what support the school offers as a part of their services and ask that your child be considered for any additional learning support opportunities offered. 

Pay for an integration aide to support your child:

Most schools will have a number of staff, known as integration aides, who work alongside students to assist them in the completion of their classroom work. Their hourly pay is mainly covered by the government funding provided for students with significant learning needs. The integrations aides, also known as classroom aides, are caring people who have been employed because they have the ability to patiently support children at school. Many will have completed a short-course to become an integration aide, others are qualified school teachers who have chosen to work as an aide for the sake of the shorter hours and reduced stress and responsibility. There are also many aides who are parents of children who have additional needs and understand from firsthand experience how to support children with learning difficulties.

Some schools ensure their integration aides give first priority to the students who have been given government funding on account of their disability. Other schools use their funding to place integration aides into many of their classrooms so that all children benefit from the support of an additional adult in the classroom. Schools are welcome to use their funding as they please and there are arguments for and against each model. However, what it means for children with mild learning needs is that they may already be receiving the support of a government funded integration aide without you having to pay another cent. Some teachers 'piggy-back' a struggling student with a student with an identified learning need and get the integration aide to work with both students. 

It is worth asking the classroom teacher if your child needs and /or receives additional support whilst in the classroom. 

In many cases, schools will allow you to pay for an integration aide to support your child for a set number of hours per week. An experienced integration aide will be paid around $26 per hour and so that is the rate you should be required to pay for the benefit of an aide for your child. This sounds like inexpensive tutoring, but you do need to keep these factors in mind:

• Integration aides will generally only come to your child's classroom at the same pre-arranged time each week. This means that some weeks they will turn up and be able to help your child through a difficult task. Other weeks they might turn up whilst the teacher is going into an extended rant about the benefits of 'commas' and the integration aide will sit there unable to assist your child until a task is actually set. Some weeks you'll get value for money, other weeks you won't. 
• An integration aide is a 'helper'. They are not paid to prepare an alternative program for your child (although some may kindly do that for you). Their main task is do whatever they can do help your child progress through the work they have been given by the classroom teacher.
• There may be a number of children in the classroom using the same integration aide. Your child may need to 'wait their turn' to receive help when they really need it. In other cases, your child may not request the help of the integration aide at all during a lesson.

All that being said, as a teacher, I loved having integration aides in my classroom and I attempted to make the most of their time in providing tasks that they could help their allocated students with. I saw some of my students make amazing strides in their learning with the support of their integration aide. Was that money well spent? Absolutely 

When I worked as an integration aide myself, I also tried to give parents 'value for money'. Some students loved having me around and would willingly let me support them. Others were embarrassed by my presence, so even if they needed help, they wouldn't let me help them.

If your child is in upper-primary or high school, it would be wise to ask them how they feel about having an integration aide support them in the classroom. That conversation alone may help you to decide whether to pay for the classroom support or not.

Pay for a private tutor:

This is a good option if your child is just struggling with one subject in particular and needs a bit of a 'leg up' to fill in the gaps in the understanding of the subject. You can pay anywhere from $30 for half an hour to $100 for an hour depending upon the skills and experience of the tutor.  Some tutors will focus on helping your child with their homework in the given subject whilst others will identify your child's area of weakness and provide them with tutoring specifically designed to teach them new skills and build up their confidence in the subject. Some tutoring schools will have a set curriculum that the tutor will systematically work through with your child regardless of their areas of weakness in the subject.

It's up to you which tutoring style you choose but here are some tips for making private tutoring work:

• Tell the classroom teacher that your child is receiving tutoring and work out a way by which the classroom teacher can communicate any specific learning needs that they have noticed to the tutor. 
• Be specific with the tutor about the concerns you have and let them know what you want them to work on in as much detail as possible. If you only give the tutor vague instructions, they may end up working on areas that don't require attention.
• If you don't feel comfortable with the tutor or your child doesn't seem to be enjoying their time with them - cut your losses early and find someone that does work for you. 

This is a good option if your child is just struggling with one subject in particular and needs a bit of a 'leg up' to fill in the gaps in the learning so that they can keep up with the rest of the class at school.

Pay for your child to see a Speech Pathologist:

If your child is having trouble keeping up with their work across a number of subjects, there may be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Speech Pathologists are trained to do more than just correct mispronunciations of words. They can actually assess, diagnose and treat a variety of learning, speech and language problems that a teacher is not trained to identify. Having recognised your child's needs, they are able to design a specific, targeted intervention program to assist your child in managing their learning challenges. They work with the long-term goal of equipping your child with skills that will enable them to understand and communicate ideas far more proficiently in the future. 

It is an expensive option, with reputable speech pathologists charging between $80-$130 for a 30 minute session. However, you need to approach speech therapy sessions with a long term perspective. It won't fix your child's immediate problems, but over time, you will see a development in their overall skills as they are able to understand, process and communicate their knowledge to educators.

Deciding what is best for your child is a heart-wrenching decision, and everyone is going to give you slightly different advice. My best advice is always to start with the teacher. Make an appointment time and let the teacher know that you want to talk to them about how your child is progressing overall. This will give the teacher an opportunity to go through all their notes and records so that they can give you an accurate idea of what is going on. Your teacher may also be able to advise you on whether your child would benefit from additional help either in school or by outside tutors or therapists.

I am always very happy to hear from my blog readers too. We all want to do the best for our children, and sometimes we just need to hear unbiased advice from someone who can see everyone's perspective.  Feel free to drop me an email on louise.c.griffiths@icloud.com if I can be of assistance.

Time to take a day off school?

I woke up feeling 'off' this morning. It had been one of those weird nights of sleep where I am pretty sure I was asleep most of the night, but my dreams were strange and vivid. Firstly, I dreamed that we had opened up an animal refuge in our garage and were struggling to care for the rabbits, chickens, puppies and baby alligator that we had acquired. Fortunately, in my dream, the rabbits and the baby alligator were able to share an enclosure - go figure? The second half of the night I dreamed I was a Marvel superhero and my superhero friends and I were trying to take over various continents of the world whilst avoiding the enemies advances. Weird right?

So I woke with my face feeling all dry and stretched out, possibly because I was too lazy to wash my face last night, and I had this horrid taste in my mouth. I got up to have breakfast and ate it alright, but as I sat on the couch my tummy felt weird and it was far more comfortable to lay on my bed than continue on with my morning routine. Fortunately, at 42 years of age, I get the right to declare when I feel sick and should just go back to bed. When my husband asked me what was wrong - my only explanation was 'I just feel yuck'.

There was no cough, no sniffly nose, I wasn't threatening to vomit everywhere and I wasn't covered in a strange spotty rash. To the average observer, you would think I am totally fine to get on with my day and complete whatever work I needed to. However, if I had decided to go ahead with the coffee date I had planned with a lovely friend, went shopping and started cleaning the house, it would not have been pretty. I would have felt a whole lot worse at the end of the day.

The same thing has been happening with my own children for the past 3 weeks. Some days my son complains of a headache, other days its a tummy ache, other days he is just tired and irritable. My daughter complains of a sore tummy most nights and often a sore throat. She gets anxious if she looks at the clock and sees that it is past 8 p.m. She worries that if she doesn't get enough sleep, school will be a difficult experience in the morning. As I tuck my children into bed at night, they ask me if they'll be allowed to stay home if they feel sick in the morning. I reply with "we'll wait and see".

Of course, the poor children wake up the next day with the same vague symptoms that don't really seem to warrant staying home, and so they obediently get themselves ready for school and ultimately survive the day. They report feeling unwell at various points of the day, but not enough to warrant going to the nurse, and if they do, they are sent back to the teacher. There's no cough, wheeze, vomit, temperature or spots.....

I've been to the doctors twice in the last two weeks, hoping that they can provide the Latin name for what they are suffering from,  however, there is no medical term that succinctly identifies 'mid-term two, start of winter exhaustion'.  I have no medical experience except for First Aid and anaphylaxis training, but I wish to patent the phrase 'mid-term two, start of winter exhaustion'. It's a real illness I tell you. We've had it for three weeks now and it's not going away.

It got to the point last week where my husband and I agreed that the children are just miserable and going to school day after day when they are feeling off was not doing anyone any favours. Imagine sitting on the floor with your legs neatly crossed, listening to the teacher whilst your tummy feels just a little achy. Going to the music room with a vague headache that just comes and goes as it pleases. How can you learn when you are struggling to feel 'yourself' - it's pretty tough isn't it?

As adults, we have the authority to declare ourselves unwell and stay home from work, but our children can't. Perhaps if they possessed the vocabulary to clearly explain their symptons, they may be able to better convey to us why they should stay home. But they don't and in the absense of observable symptons, we send them along anyway.

I wonder what the long term impact is of sending children to school when they are not quite 100%? How do they feel about their learning when they are experiencing physical discomfort at the same time? Do they begin to fear certain subjects, because the physically activities or noise involved make them feel unwell? Do they stop asking to go to the nurse because they know they will just be sent back to the classroom anyway?

I have lot of friends who tell me that they would have to be practically dead before their parents would let them stay home from school. I think the same is still true, especially as keeping your children home from school may also mean that a parent has to stay home from work to look after them. However, school is far more intense and rigorous than it was 20 plus years ago. The amount of activities children switch between in a day and the high level of attention they need to maintain through the day is exhausting at the best of times. Trying to keep up when they are feeling even a little off must be near impossible.

So in our household, we are lowering the standards for what qualifies for a day of school. We are recognizing that no matter how non-descript the symptoms may seem to us, the feelings are very real, and possibly very scary, for our child. We are keeping in mind that our children need adequate time to recover from an illness before being sent back to school. We are learning to appreciate that regular emotional meltdowns and other signs of tiredness also qualify for a day off school.

I know, I know, I can hear the rebuttals now.....

1) Who is going to look after our children when we have to work and get on with other tasks?

I don't know the answer to that as each family is different.

A few things to think about though:

• If your child comes home from school feeling 'off', maybe organise a family member or friend to look after your child the next day to give them a rest day.
• If your child is struggling with tiredness and illness, you are also at risk of catching any illness they may have. It is better for you and your child to both take the day off and engage in some self-care rather than pushing yourselves until you both fall in a heap.
• Speak to your employer about working from home or flexi-day options for when your child is sick.

A couple of years ago, I was working full-time whilst my children were in Prep and Year One. My daughter developed persistent tummy aches, but because I was so committed to doing my job to the best of my abilities, I rarely took a day of to attend to my daughter. In hindsight, I realized that my daughter was simply exhausted and some regular mummy days would have got her through the tiring phase of her prep year.

2) Won't my child miss out on important work if I give them a day off?

•  Even if your child is at school, they aren't going to be getting much benefit out of the work anyway, Most teachers are very happy to keep a copy of all activities and material they cover whilst your child is away, Generally, a day of primary school missed can be caught up on with 45-60 mins work at home with an adult
• Secondary school students can email teachers and ask them to send through any work they can complete whilst they are home
• Concepts are taught and re-taught throughout a child's education.  A concept that is missed through a few days of absense will be retaught in the coming months or years anyway.

3) Won't my child start 'faking' their illness just to get time off school?

• Most parents can tell if their child is in genuine discomfort or if their child is 'having them on'.
• If a child is too sick to go to school, it is wise for a parent to enforce a genuine rest day. This means no trips to the shops, no sitting in front of the tv for hours. It is a time of sitting in bed and reading or quietly playing. A child who is not genuinely unwell will quickly return to school if they find that home is not an amusement centre during school hours.
• If a parent takes the time to get their child to stay up to date with their school work when they are at home, the child will learn that staying home does not make them exempt from completing their schoolwork.

During these cold winter months, let's cut our children a bit of slack. A few days off here and there isn't going to jeopardize their future. However, it will give them time to rest and recover to that they can truly enjoy school when they are there.

Just give me some feedback......

Readers who have joined my blog recently may not be aware that in addition to filling the blogosphere with my ponderings on kids and education, I also run a teeny-tiny tutoring business. It's called Exploring All Options. I spend at least an hour a week with each student doing whatever I can to make the experience of school less stressful for them. Once we reduce the stress, I then work alongside the student to ensure they start experiencing success in school.

It amazes me that teenagers are willing to come and sit at my dining table and tell a middle-aged woman, whom they've never met before, about how the experience of school makes them feel. It shows how much struggling students are willing to accept help, if only educators have the time to give them that support.

My first session with every student starts the same.
Louise: "Sooooo, tell me how you feel about school?"
Student: Looks down, mumbles
Louise: "I really want to know - tell me - what's it like?"
Student: It's hard/frustrating/I find it stressful/I can't keep up/I hate reading
The list goes on.

Louise: "Tell me about your favourite teacher?"

I loooove asking this question.
It tells me so much about the student.
It tells me about how they learn best.
It tells me how they view school teachers.
It tells me what attributes they value in a teacher.
It tells me how I will be able to best support them in our sessions.

Recently, I encountered a new response, and I was so excited to hear it.

The student told me about a teacher he had who gave him written feedback on his English work. He would hand in his English pieces, the teacher would look at the work within a day or two, write comments on how he could improve his work and provide an indicative final mark for the work. Then the teacher would return it to the student and give him the chance to resubmit it, incorporating rewritten sections in response to their feedback. Then the teacher would go through the work again and give it a final mark.

GENIUS

1) Teacher teaches
2) Student produces work in response to teaching
3) Teacher looks at work and gives targeted feedback
4) Student learns from feedback and has another go
5) Teacher is able to measure student's performance based on his ability to learn and apply their teaching.

GENIUS

I want to find out the name of that teacher, enrol my child in that school and put in a request for that teacher to teach my child every year of their High School education. I hope they can teach Maths, History and Science too, because I'll be asking for them to teach my child in every subject.

I cannot tell you how much I long for all my students to receive timely feedback on their work. I spend so many sessions with my students, encouraging them as they work through tasks ready for submission and helping them prepare for tests to be completed the following day. Each week I will ask, Have you got that assignment back? How did you go in your test? We'll log on and see if grades have been listed.......nope, nothing yet. Sadly, by the time marks are received, we've long forgotten what the learning task was about. And feedback? The chance to learn from and apply feedback is long gone. What a waste of a learning opportunity!

When my husband and I first got married, I had moved from Melbourne to Sydney. We had a long distance relationship, so except for long weekends and holidays, we had never spent long periods of time together. When we were together it was a whirlwind of fun dates, visiting friends and making long term plans. Once we settled into a house together, we quickly had to adjust to the rhythms of everyday life. Having lived on my own for many years, I was self-sufficient. If I was thirsty, I got myself a drink. If I felt like eating drive-thru Maccas for dinner, I would. If I had an opinion to share, I would just roll it on out, even if my husband was halfway through talking.

I was pretty much oblivious to the fact that when you are married, it's good to show consideration to your partner. Offering them a drink when they're thirsty, not just thinking about yourself at dinner time and being respectful of their thoughts and opinions. The day came when my husband had had enough and decided to give me feedback on my behaviour. He pointed out the selfish things I was doing and told me how it was impacting him.

Imagine if, at this point, my husband gave me his feedback and then that was the end of the discussion.  Imagine if he didn't give me the chance to reflect on my actions and change my behaviour. Imagine if I only had one chance to do things right and I lost it. End of story. End of marriage.

Of course, that's not how relationships work. Naturally, (after a heated argument) I apologised, and reflected on my husbands feeedback.  I wanted to improve my behaviour for the good of our marriage. Fortunately, I have become more considerate of my husband over the past 11 years. Feedback is a waste of time unless you actually get the chance to reflect upon it and have another go at getting it right.

It's the same with education, if you don't give students feedback within a reasonable time-frame, the true impact of your teaching will be lost because you didn't give the students a chance to demonstrate what they have learnt, reflect on your feedback and have another go.

When our kids get out into the big wide world, they won't always get feedback and the chance to have a second go. But they're not out there yet. We are in the business of equipping students with all the skills they will need to get it right once they are out there. Let's give them some support, encouragement and FEEDBACK whilst they are in school. I can assure you our students will learn from it.

Dear Teacher/Dear Parent....About Naplan

Dear teacher,

I want to let you know that my child feels worried about NAPLAN this week. She was talking with a year four girl who told her that the tests go forever and it's the worst thing she has ever done at school.

I feel so frustrated that my child has to go through this. 

Four tests in three days. Really? Couldn't you even space them out?

What's the point of them anyway?

If you could quietly help my child with the tests I would really appreciate it.

From a year three parent.



Dear Parent,

Thanks for your note. To be honest, I don't like NAPLAN either. It upsets the children and makes them feel worried about school. I want my classroom to be a happy place where children feel safe to have a go at things and do their best without being worried they'll get it wrong. I don't think my team leader or principal likes them either, but sadly they are a necessary part of modern day schooling.

I am actually glad they are squashed into three days, it gets the whole experience over and done with quickly. The problem with NAPLAN days is that they interrupt our normal routine and as you know, children like their routines. I know it is a daunting thought to have four tests in three days, but to be honest with you, the Tuesday tests are over by lunchtime and the Wednesday and Thursday tasks are over by recess. They are really only a small part of our school week, and once they are over, the children quickly forget about them.

As far as the point of them - well there is actually a good reason for them. The information that we get about each individual child is not so important as the overall trend we are seeing in the school. State and federal government funding is influenced in part by NAPLAN results and help identify schools that need more support. The school is also able to look at the overall results and see if they are making progress in the education of students over time.

As far as individual results go, yes, we check that each child is within the bounds of what would we would expect for a child at their age. If a child is performing below what we were expecting, then the school leadership might check in with the teacher to see if the child needs further support in their learning. If a child is performing above what we were expecting, then we might explore ways to enhance their educational experience that meets their interests and needs. If your child is performing as we would expect, then it is truly business as usual and we consider their results to just be confirmation that things are heading in the right direction in their academic education.

The real problem with NAPLAN tests is that the results are made publicly accessible on the Myschool website. This leads some schools to feel anxious about how their results may appear to prospective parents. Sadly, NAPLAN tests may show how a school is doing academically, but it doesn't tell you about how the children are taught. It doesn't tell you what lengths the school went to in order to achieve their results. It doesn't tell you how happy the children are in the playground. It doesn't tell you about the community spirit that lives in the school. It doesn't tell you about how children with additional needs are loved and embraced by the school community. All it tells you is that in May 2017, this is what the average child at a given school knew.

My advice, give your child a big hug and kiss tomorrow and send her off to school as you always do. When the results finally arrive in September, have a quick peak to see if your child may need additional help or needs more challenges at school, and then chuck the results in the recycling bin.

Instead of worrying about NAPLAN, celebrate the person your child is becoming. Celebrate the fact that they are learning more and more everyday. Celebrate their perseverance when things are hard. Celebrate the kindness they show to the children who find school a real struggle.

Celebrate that we live in a country that wants to keep schools accountable for what they are teaching our children.

And maybe go out for pizza on Thursday night to celebrate the end of NAPLAN.

Kind regards,

your child's teacher

AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS - PART 3A - The birds and the bees

Admit it - this is the post you have been waiting for. The one where I explain the quick and easy way to explain the differences between men and women, the changes a young person goes through in puberty and of course - sex.

Actually, I am explaining most of that in "Awkward conversations Part 3B".

Today I want to lay the foundations for open, honest, non-awkward communication with your children about their bodies and their genitals.

As you may recall from my introduction into awkward conversations, I mentioned that I learnt about sex from a book given to me in a brown paper bag and that was pretty much the end of my education at home. I didn't live with any brothers, so I had no idea what a penis looked like, except for the one in the book that was small and pastel pink!

My year nine science teacher, lovely as she was, kept on covering her cheeks with her palms saying 'this is embarrassing' as she went through sex ed with us. By the age of 18, I had decided that discussions of our bodies, let alone it's capacity for sexual intercourse was a shameful, embarrassing topic that really shouldn't be discussed. Needless to say, I was in for quite a few surprises when I began dating and eventually married my husband.

So I guess you are hoping we have got to the bit where I tell you in three easy steps how to talk about sex in a non-awkward, relaxed kind of way so that your child grows up to be a well-adjusted, respectful and respected sexual being?

Ummmm, no.

To be honest, some of the things I am going to suggest have not even been road-tested on my own children, in my opinion they are still a bit immature to deal with some of this stuff - so feel free to write back with your own comments and suggestions - who knows, maybe you can become my 'blogging side-kick'.


1) Think about your worldview. I know, I know, I talk about worldviews alot. However, your beliefs about where people originally came from and the value of humanity actually impacts the way you will view the human body and what we should and shouldn't do with it.

Personally, I want my kids to see their bodies as incredible creations, created by a loving God, to be enjoyed in lots of different ways at the appropriate time.

2) Let your children know about what parts of their body are okay to share and what parts aren't. I tell kids that we have hands so that we can hold hands with a friend, we have arms so that we can hug our friends, we have legs so that we can run with our friends. We have mouths to talk with our friends and so on. I then tell them that there are parts of our body that we are not meant to share with other people until we get much older. These are things that are covered by your undies and in the case of girls, covered by a bikini top. Your penis or vagina and breasts are not to be shared with other people as they are private to you. No one should ask you to show your private parts to them. The only time people should see your private parts is if your parents (carer) are helping you wash, dry or get dressed or if there is a medical issue. I then go on to say that there may be times when a doctor or nurse needs to see those private parts. That's okay, but your parents should still be with you.

In fact, when I go to the doctor with one of my children and they need to show a private part of their body to the doctor, I remind them that this is only okay because they have a medical issue and I am with them whilst the doctor is looking at their body.

3) As you may have already picked up, I use the correct anatomical terminology. Calling genitals 'boo boos' or 'doodies' or whatever other cutesie names you have made up undermines the importance of your body parts. Silly names result in silly behaviour with those silly body parts......and believe me, I have a heap of stories about the crazy things little prep boys get up to in the toilets - all totally innocent, but all because their private parts have been referred to flippantly.

4) Don't be awkward! If your child asks you a question, don't go all bright red or get angry and tell them they are not allowed to know. Give them an age appropriate answer. Don't go drawing diagrams or borrow 50 books from the library about it. Don't go giving them a complete explanation of how they were conceived, resulting in them rocking in fetal position under the table. Just say what you need to say in a couple of sentences and move on. You'll know when they are ready for more details.

5) Leave a couple of age appropriate books about the human body around. If your child is interested in the way the body is structured, they will seek those books out and ask questions. Hiding all evidence of human nakedness or sexuality and avoiding any discussion of sex will lead them to the assumption that sex is taboo which could have wide reaching ramifications into the future.

6) Man oh man, I am so sad that I have to say this, but here goes......

Our children need to know that there may be a time when someone asks to see or touch their penis or vagina. That person may be a relative, friend or stranger. Our children need to know that NO ONE has the right to ask that of a child. No matter what that person has promised or threatened, our children need to know that they must come and tell their mum or dad if this happens.

When explaining this to your child, you don't want to be all dramatic and scare them.

You could just be getting your child dressed after a bath and say "You know what? Your body is so special and it is all yours to look after. Did you know that no should ever ask to see or touch you penis? It is your body and I want you to look after it. If someone ever asks to touch your penis or asks you to touch their private parts, be really firm and just say no and move right away from them. Then I want you to come and tell me. I promise you, you won't get into trouble, I won't be mad. I just want to know that you are okay."

This is a message that you just want to casually give to your child every few months. Don't make a fuss or sit them down for a serious heart to heart, just slip it into the conversation when you are in the car, or hanging out at the playground or reading a story just before bed. This means that if someone does attempt to 'interfere' with your child, your child will know that they can say no and then move away.

I pray that our children never ever have to use our advice.

Well, having gone through awkward conversations PART 3A, I'm hoping that writing PART 3B will be a breeze!!!!

I'm going to go and vege in front of the tv for a while.......xxx

AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS - PART TWO - Why doesn't everyone agree with me?

I still remember the car trip like it was yesterday. I had just spent the weekend in Mt Gambier with my youth group. It was a long drive back to Melbourne, so I opted to avoid the stinky church bus filled with ratty boys and jumped into the car of a young woman who had recently joined our church. I was 15 years old, leading a sheltered existence within my church and faith-based school.

The car trip was progressing nicely with interesting banter about life when suddenly, my travelling companion dropped a 'moral bomb' on me. She casually mentioned that she goes to the pub on a Friday night to have a drink with her friends. What? The driver of my car professed to be a Christian AND drinks alcohol? I began to feel sick, my ears became blocked and began to throb. I felt dizzy. I had to get out of the car. My driver was an alcoholic!!!!!

Conversation became strained after this confession and I was eager to get back on the smelly bus at the next McDonald's stop. The young woman obviously sensed my disapproval as I don't recall ever seeing her at church again after this event. In hindsight, I have no doubt that this woman was nothing but a social drinker, but at the time, I didn't know how to respond to this variation on my worldview.

The reason this situation arose was that I had been raised in a home where alcohol was not consumed. In fact I signed a declaration at seven, and later at fourteen, declaring I would never consume 'intoxicating liquor'. This declaration was part of a larger document that also outlined the spiritual beliefs that I understood to be true. Unfortunately, as the declaration to not drink alcohol was on the same sheet of paper, I had wrongly come to presume that not drinking alcohol was an integral part of my faith - and no one had told me any different.

Faced with someone who held a variation to my world view terrified me. I was ill-equipped to understand that it was possible to maintain a warm friendship with someone who made different choices to me, no matter how great or small.

My parents had every right to educate me in the Christian worldview and to hope (and pray) that I would continue to follow in that path. However, I had wrongly come to believe that some things, such as not drinking alcohol, were a core belief because I didn't fully understand some aspects of the worldview I was learning about. I also hadn't learnt that some people will hold variations to my beliefs and others will believe something that is in total opposition to what I believe.

So how do we encourage our children to follow our own worldview without developing a fear or disrespect for the views of others? The current debates over our refugee policy and same-sex marriage has mobilized dozens of lobby groups each with distinct worldviews, vying to declare what is the 'correct' response to these issues. Sadly, as the debates continue, the arguments are going beyond the core issue to criticism of the belief systems of others. This is incredibly sad and perpetuates this fear of others and their beliefs.

So how do we raise well-balanced young people who hold a distinct worldview, can develop a viewpoint and express it in a way that displays tolerance and respect for others?

Here is my feeble attempt:

1) If you wish your child to follow your worldview, whatever it is, explain to them what you believe and why. Give your child logical, well-thought out information. Give them information about what you believe at age appropriate times. Avoid emotion-loaded propaganda about your worldview or that of someone else.

2) Encourage your child to ask questions, express their doubts and challenge your worldview. If your worldview cannot stand-up to the questions of a twelve year old, may I suggest you pick a more robust worldview?

3) Point out the similarities and differences between your worldview and others. BUT, do so in a way that is respectful of the other worldviews and the people that hold them. Teach your child to ask questions of others respectfully and to present their perspective without 'lecturing' or 'arguing'.

4) Coach your children in the art of not being visibly shocked or offended by the views of others, no matter how wild or wacky they may appear to be. Teach them that they can be friends with people who hold different worldviews and that there is actually the potential to learn from them.

5) Finally, teach your child to maintain their own values and principles even when other people are doing things they don't agree with. Respecting the views of others does not mean allowing them to push you into doing things you don't want to do.

Just for the record, a few short years after this fateful car trip, I started working for a Melbourne-based Airline and discovered the joys of hanging out with my workmates at the pub on a Friday after work. I still didn't drink, but I learnt that I could have a great night out with people who come at life from a whole different perspective!

AWKWARD CONVERSATION – PART ONE – THOSE NAUGHTY WORDS.

*Trigger warning – This post contains vocabulary and themes that may not be appropriate for your children. Please wait until after your children go to bed to read this one!

It was 35 years ago, and yet my mother still has difficulty getting over possibly one of ‘her’ most embarrassing moments. I was 7, my sisters had moved out of home and I rarely had friends over to play games with. My parents had brought a traveling preacher home for dinner one evening and whilst mum prepared dinner, this very kind gentleman offered to play a game with me. Problem was, we were playing checkers, which requires someone to go first. Rather than taking the liberty of going first, I decided to choose who should start by using the very reliable and yet random method known as ‘eenie meenie, miney, mo’ (Spelling of the rhyme provided by Justin Bieber in his song – Eenie meenie – cheers Justin!).

And so I began…….

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo

Catch a n@$?@r by the toe

If he hollers, let him go

Eeenie, meenie, miney, mo

My mum came running into the living room quite flustered. “Louise, where did you learn that?”

She then turned to our guest, “I’m so sorry, I’ve never heard her say that before!”

I was totally confused. What did I do wrong? I don’t think our guest was embarrassed by it, his cheeks weren’t red, but it was hard to tell as he did have particularly dark skin on account of his African heritage.

With much blustering and hand gesturing, I surmised that I had used a word that for some reason was offensive for people with dark skin. To be honest, it wasn’t until I read ‘To kill a mockingbird’ that I truly realised just what emotions my use of that word would have evoked for our dinner guest all those years ago.

As I said in my introductory blog, many of our parents were brought up in an era where we avoided discussing things that were thought to be private or indelicate. The word ‘nigger’ was one of those words.

When I am faced with my children uttering words that make my ears turn a little pink, I try to take the following approach:

1)  Approach my children calmly, without a trace of anger.

2) Ask them to repeat the full sentence or phrase they uttered. It is quite possible they have mispronounced a different word and had no idea how the word sounded to me. A quick lesson in how to pronounce their intended word correctly should do the trick.

3) If my child has indeed said a ‘bad word’, ask them if they know what it means. If they already know the meaning, you may need to simply explain to them why we don’t use the word and the offence the word may cause to other listeners. Due to my adherence to the Christian worldview, I would explain to my children that I want them to use words that build up and encourage other people. Using words that put people down or may cause other people offence goes against that goal.

If it turns out that my child does not have a full understanding of the word being used, then I would explain the word in terms that are age appropriate. 

If the word is related to a person’s cultural heritage or appearance, I may say something like, “This word is used by people who want to be unkind to men and women with dark skin/who come from Asia/have an intellectual disability. It is a word that is often used to convey hate and anger. I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it may still cause pain to other people who hear it. Please don’t say it again.” If the child is older, I may even give them a book or article to read about the history of the people group they are speaking about. 

If the word is related to sexuality, I would definitely tailor my explanation to what the child already knows. For your average 5-12 year old, I might take this approach. “The word you just said is an impolite/rude/crass way of talking about something that God originally created for adults to enjoy. It is a not a word that that should be used for fun. When you use it, you are taking something very special and using it to hurt and offend others.” 

If the child is older, I may say, “That word is a crass way of talking about sex/female genitals etc.  I will tell you what those words mean, but I want you to refer to these things by their proper term and in the proper context from now on.”

Once children are armed with the true meaning of what they are saying and understand the impact the word may have upon other people, it is hoped they should stop using the word. If a child continues to use the word, then you may be dealing with an ongoing issue of disobedience rather than a mild case of ‘potty-mouth’.   

The days of parents turning red-faced and embarrassed or angry really should be over. If we want our children and teenagers to come to us to ask about ‘taboo’ subjects, they need to trust us to give them a balanced, honest, helpful response. We need to lay the foundations for that from a very early age and establish a long track record of trust and unflappable honesty. If we don’t, there will be plenty of peers, teachers, web sites and worse, that will fill in the gaps….and believe me, you really don’t want that!

Awkward Conversations - An introduction

When I was about 10, I asked my mother how you told the difference between male and female cats. She acted puzzled for a moment and then said 'I think you can tell by looking at their faces'. As we only had one male cat at the time, I was unable to compare his face to any other cats, so I had to just presume that it was the case. 

When I was fourteen we had sex education at school. The boys were separated from the girls. I had no idea what boys would have to talk about when it came to the birds and the bees. To this point in time, all I knew on the matter had come from a 1970's book that was presented to me in a brown paper bag and filled with grainy pastel illustrations. Incidentally, I only owned that book for 6 months as it was taken off me in order to give it to my school friend whose 15 year old sister had found herself pregnant. But I digress......

In year 8 sex education, the boys went to one classroom and the girls to another. I wondered what was going on in the boys' lesson. So I went home and asked my mum about it, asking if boys also had a monthly menstrual cycle. She said they didn't. It would be many years before I fully understood what the boys were talking about in their 'secret lessons'.

Although I am highlighting the things that my mum didn't tell me. I am well aware that most people 30 years old and above would have had a similar experience to me. Our baby-booming parents were brought up in an era where politeness and delicacy in conversations was paramount. Matters were discussed using euphemisms that only the enlightened understood, such as 'you're a young woman now', 'that special time of the month'. My mum didn't set out to deceive me or leave me in the dark, she just didn't have the vocabulary and confidence to tell me how it really was.

Sadly, there are plenty of kids in the playground and even teachers in the classroom who are happy to tell your children all about the facts of life, along with a whole lot of other matters that used to be the responsibility of parents to tackle. Although it may be the more convenient and less awkward option, when you leave it up to another person to tell your children about the important issues of life, they also subtly communicate their own values and beliefs on the topic. If you want your child to understand and respect your perspective on these delicate matters, then you need to be the one to explain them from your viewpoint. 

Over the next few weeks, I am going to explore some of these awkward conversations and suggest ways that you could tackle them. Ideally, you will read my ideas and then improve upon them and adapt them for your own family context. You will also find that as you read my thoughts, you will also get an idea of my personal worldview. Many of you will agree with it, others of you will see things very differently. Despite our differences, we still need to have these conversations with our children, the way we approach the conversations may be similiar, but the content of the conversations may be different. That's okay. I just want you to have those conversations so that your children aren't left to connect the dots with unpleasant consequences. 

So strap yourselves in, throw out your 1980's rule book on raising children and get ready to have some conversations that aren't really that awkward after

all.............

NEWS FLASH "CROYDON HILLS WOMAN TAKES CHILDREN BIKE RIDING"

This morning a Croydon Hills woman shocked onlookers when she went for a bike ride with her seven and nine year old children at 9 a.m. in the morning. She left the security of her home without her phone, purse or a supply of snack-food for the children. Armed only with her bike helmet and a positive outlook, she set off into the wilds of Croydon Hills.
'My wife would never choose to take the kids bike riding, let alone go riding on her own bike', her bewildered husband commented. 'I just looked out the window and there they all were, casually riding down the street.'
What makes this incident even more puzzling is that the woman went riding without a clear idea of where they were going and what hill climbs may be involved. 
'I knew there was a big park near our house with a bit of a path around it, so I thought we would just ride there.' the mother commented. 'However, things took a turn for the worse when we discovered that the circuit we had chosen to ride around ended up with a significant hill climb in order to get home.' the middle aged mother stated. When asked if she will attempt such a feat again she replied 'I think next time, I will put my kids bikes in the boot and drive them to a local park that we know has flat bike paths. Proximity to a coffee shop would also be helpful.'
It remains to be seen whether this mother will ever take her children bike riding again.


For those readers who know me personally, you will appreciate just what a feat it was to take my children bike riding without my husband. He is a keen cyclist and even has a bike for riding on the road and a bike for riding 'off road'. I find that bewildering! However, my kids and I joined up for a promotion called 'Active April', where you endeavour to do 30 minutes of exercise a day plus my children were fighting like cat and dog this morning, so I had to get them out and do something! Things really did start very well. There were a few shaky moments, like when my daughter's head band that she was holding in her hand (in addition to the handle bars) landed on the ground and her brother didn't really feel like assisting her in retrieving it. There was also the moment when my son discovered that he didn't really like the feel of gravel slipping beneath his tyres. However, this paled into insignificance when we had to walk a couple of hundred metres up a steep footpath in order to get home. One child took it in their stride. They just pushed their bike at a steady pace, knowing that our house was just around the corner. My other child found the effort involved in pushing the bike up the hill to be all too much. Sadly, as I was busy pushing my own bike, I was unable to help them. So, I listened to the moaning as we mounted the hill. 'I feel sick! I think I'm going to vomit!' were regular cries. However, suddenly the weary child dropped the most incredible phrase.

'I can't believe I'm doing this when I'm not even going to get a certificate for it!'

What!?!?! Are you kidding me? What do you mean you're not even getting a certificate for this? Do I offer certificates for other school holiday activities? Does the activity only find it's value in what recognition you get afterwards?

I've got to say, I was truly shocked that my child felt that their situation was so much worse because they wouldn't get concrete recognition of their efforts. Did I fail as a mother in allowing my children to think this way?

Maybe, maybe not.

I promise you, I don't give out certificates to my children for getting dressed in the morning, having a shower, playing in the playground or even being kind to a difficult house guest.

However, their sporting clubs give my children certificates or 'rewards' for getting through a term of weekly lessons. My children each get the chance to be 'student of the week' at school and are guaranteed at least two certificates a year from their classroom teacher. The maths program our school uses gives the children weekly progress certificates that they can print out and put on the wall. When my son does his ICAS tests later this year, he will get a certificate of participation, no matter what score he gets.

I have a large plastic tub full of certificates, 'special memory' book and even a trophy or two for my kids. The only certificates I received were for piano exams and the one I received during Year 10 careers week for being the "Best Interviewed Student". I didn't even get a certificate when I was 'Checkout Operator of the Month' at Safeway Blackburn North - what's with that?

Somewhere along the line, my child has concluded that you only push yourself hard when you know there is a tangible reward at the end. The fact that they were engaging in exercise, exploring the neighbourhood, seeing their mother on a bike for the first time ever - none of that was rewarding enough. But a piece of glossy paper sent through the printer would make it right? How did this happen!

Well, as I pushed my own bike up the hill, I thought, 'Things are going to have to change'. I need to make less of a fuss when my children do things that are 'normal, everyday activities'. I need to stop doing a congratulatory song and dance every time my children clean their room or get through a day without physically or verbally attacking their sibling. I also need to model doing things without expecting gratitude or recognition, because that is how life is sometimes. Oh - and bribes - I probably need to stop telling my children that they will get a treat or be able to watch t.v. if they clean their room.

My hope is that if I get the balance right, my children will start to do great things because they enjoy the experience in itself or recognise the long-term benefits of engaging in the task, even if it is unpleasant in the short-term.

One day, my children are going to have to persevere with their school work, or keep going with a monotonous task at work and they won't be given a shiny certificate to recognise their efforts. If I don't start changing my childrens' expectations now, we all might be in for a rough road ahead!

Keeping sane in the holidays.....

I love school holidays. I always have. I loved them when I was a student, and I could stay in my pyjamas until lunchtime (or later). I loved them when I caught the train to  university and later, work, and didn't have to stand up whilst year 8's from the local private schools took all the seats! I loved them when I could drive up Nepean Highway to my 'city job' a little more quickly as many drivers were holidaying. When I was a school teacher............well that's obvious! And now as a parent, I love getting to spend time with my children when they are well rested and we are not constantly racing to school and after-school commitments at a set time.

Despite the many benefits of school holidays - having your gorgeous children hanging around the house day in, day out, can become tricky. This is especially true if your children are the type that find it hard to go off to their rooms to play quietly or you need to get on with housework or paid work whilst the children are at home. I am certainly not an expert in this, but here are some ideas I am trying out these holidays. Many of my suggestions are based on my location in the Eastern suburbs of Melbourne, but there will be similar options wherever you live.

1)

Apologies for the dodgy pic, it is Sunday night and I want to be authentic in what I share. 

ANYHOO.....I have made a super-simple table where I have divided each day of the week into thee sections. In the far left column, I have three times listed. 8:00 a.m., 12:00 and 3:00 p.m. Across the top of the table I have listed the days of the week. 

The idea is to plan activities in two out of three sections each day. I have written in some things that I already have planned. A bike ride with friends, a visit with Nana, a trip to the park. At the top, my children have added in their own ideas of things they would like to do. These are things that we will do during the times we don't have pre-planned activities. For the one un-planned section of each day, I will be expecting my children to spend at least an hour entertaining themselves without my involvement or the use of electronic devices. I will also allow them to watch tv or a DVD during this section of time. In an ideal world, I would love my children to be tv free, but I get tired, they get tired, and the tv gives us all some welcome down time. (That's usually when I go and have my nana nap).

2) Plan some fun outings. Going somewhere with another family from school, church, playgroup etc is a great way to take the pressure off you. Going out with your childrens' friends gives them someone to talk to on the outing which means you aren't always having to answer questions. It may also be a wonderful opportunity to get to know another parent. 

Here are some options I am thinking about for my children these holidays:

Melbourne Museum - 'Brickman Wonders of the World' 

I love a day out at the Melbourne Museum. The Childrens' gallery has just been renovated and is well worth a visit. Entry is free for kids and people holding a Health Care or Concession card. Adults are $14 each. Entry into the Brickman exhibition is additional. I would advise purchasing tickets on-line and booking the 10 a.m. session as you will be the first ones into the exhibit and will get to look around without the crowds that inevitably grow throughout the morning.

As far as parking goes, I usually get a free parking spot on Barkly Street or Murchison Street. It may take an extra 10 minutes to find a spot but it saves some money and the walk through the Carlton Gardens in Autumn is quite 'refreshing'. (Especially at 9:45 a.m.) Take along a packed lunch and you can store you backpack in the cloak room whilst you wander around the museum. When it gets close to lunchtime, grab a take-away coffee from the cafe and eat your picnic lunch outside near the playground.  

https://museumvictoria.com.au/melbournemuseum/whats-on/brickman-wonders-of-the-world/

Roller Skating 

This idea is a little 'retro' but my kids love it! Our favourite roller skating destination is Bayswater Roller City. On first look, it would appear that nothing has changed since you went there for Youth Group in 1989. However, the skating surface is not the usual hard concrete, so the children don't smash their knees every time they fall over. 

Their website has a voucher so that you can get two for one entry. When you pick up your skates, you can let the attendant know if your children are inexperienced skaters. They can tighten up the wheels on the roller skates so that they have a little more control over how fast the wheels turn. I love this feature. BUT, the real gem at Bayswater is the DJ! No longer do the kids spend 3 hours rolling around in circles, the roller skating session is punctuated by games, competitions and even roller-dancing, which gets all the kids involved and staying in the rink. 

Check the website for changes to session times, but at the time of writing this blog, the holiday sessions were running from 12-4.

http://bayswaterrollerskating.com.au/

Cooking

There are some parents out there who just LOVE cooking with their kids. I do enjoy the experience as long as I am in the right frame of mind. For this reason, I never let my children know that I am planning on a cooking session until we are just about to do it. I like to give myself the ability to back out at the last minute if I don't think the children are calm enough to enter into the experience safely. By that I mean, their over-the-top enthusiasm doesn't drive me to the brink of insanity resulting in me  getting cranky with them for no real reason!

Some little tips that I find helpful.

1) Make sure you have a fair idea of the recipe steps and the techniques the children will need to use to make the food. Perhaps the children aren't ready to use the mini-blow torch on the meringues quite yet????  Also check that the recipe doesn't require things to stand overnight or marinate for 3 days - having to wait days to eat your cooking is a cruel form of torture.

2) Line up the required ingredients and equipment on the bench ready to go. Allow the children to do as much measuring, weighing and egg-cracking as possible. Having all the things you need will ensure that you never have to turn your back on what they are doing. All my kitchen disasters and arguments have occurred when I turn my back. However, if your little darling manages to crack an egg on the side of the bench and then drop it on the floor - don't worry! We all make mistakes and dropping, spilling and splashing stuff is something we have all done. Chill out and don't scare your kids out of the kitchen by getting angry with them for doing something due to their youth and inexperience.

Playspace and bike path hunt 

With more and more apartment and townhouse dwellings being built, and the size of the average Aussie backyard shrinking, local councils are seeing the importance of creating places where families can go and enjoy the great outdoors. City councils provide a list of playgrounds and bike paths on their website, including information about the provision of accessible equipment, toilets, bbqs and in some cases, coffee shops. There are some amazing playgrounds hidden in some obscure places. There are also some woeful playgrounds that are not even worth stopping the car at. Pack some snacks and get ready for a drive around the neighbourhood finding playgrounds that will burn some energy and help develop your kids strength.

Here is the list for the City of Maroondah, my local area.

http://www.maroondah.vic.gov.au/GreenSpace.aspx

Holidays are an absolute joy if you are prepared. Yet they can also be a very long, tedious experience if you don't think ahead.

What ideas do you have for school holidays?