Taking a breath in the midst of year 12

I have few memories of year 12 now - it was in 1992. However. one photo sticks in my mind. It was the one of me sitting outside my parents' caravan in Merimbula doing a bit of holiday homework. Fortunately I was looking quite fashionable in my checked pants, green vest over a white skivvy and a bowler hat on. (Let's just say it was a very short-lived fashion trend).

I remember having one meltdown that year. It was over a maths task that involved computers and x and y coordinates. I had a meltdown and then I got on with it. I finished year 12, went to Uni and then became a waitress. True story!!!!

So much has changed in 25 years. I don't know whether the term 'meltdown' was even used in relation to year 12 back then. Nowadays, if your upper high school student hasn't had a meltdown, then you are in the minority.

So here we are in the July school holidays. Your year 12 offspring may not be physically attending school for two weeks - but where is their head at? Can I ask that this school holidays you take some time out to 'hang out' with your high school students. Go to THEIR favourite cafe, let them order whatever they want (without making any remark about the health benefits of their choices) and ask them how they are feeling. Give your teenager time to debrief. Don't correct their misconceptions, don't argue with them. JUST LISTEN. 

Allow them to tell you about how annoying it is when their sister plays the Ukulele after dinner when they are trying to study. Let them vent about the frustration of Dad mowing the lawn under their window at 10 a.m. on a Saturday. JUST LISTEN. 

Ask them how they are feeling about school. How are they feeling about their work? Is there anything they are worried about at the moment? What are they scared of? Excited about? 

Having let your teenager 'download', ask them how you can best support them, Their requests may seem unreasonable or over the top, but just listen and see what small steps you can take to help them. Maybe it is enforcing an hour of quiet time every afternoon in the household to give them quiet study space. Maybe it is taking the younger siblings out to a park on Saturday mornings for a time.

Understand that although you didn't find year 12 stressful when you went through it, the landscape has changed dramatically in the last 30 years. Your kids are facing stressors they we may not have faced until our mid-20's - if at all.

Also be aware of your teenager's mental health. As one who was diagnosed with depression shortly after year 12, I am well aware of the impact sustained stress can have upon a young person. If you have any concerns, take your teenager along to the GP and have a chat.

Although everyone around them gives the impression that year 12 is the decider for their ENTIRE future....it actually isn't! There are so many options out there for future study and work that do not rely upon an incredible ATAR to pursue. It is also important to remember that your teenager will more than likely retrain and pursue a number of career options throughout their lifetime. Year 12 is not their 'only shot' at a great future. Remind them of this as often as you need to.

Finally - parents RELAX. You getting all upset and stressed on your child's behalf is not going to help them. You need to be there with the hot chocolate and marshmallows, the Friday night pizza, the family trip to Mini Golf. You need to be the calm in the storm. Will you do that for your teenager?

Louise

xxx

Keeping sane in the holidays.....

I love school holidays. I always have. I loved them when I was a student, and I could stay in my pyjamas until lunchtime (or later). I loved them when I caught the train to  university and later, work, and didn't have to stand up whilst year 8's from the local private schools took all the seats! I loved them when I could drive up Nepean Highway to my 'city job' a little more quickly as many drivers were holidaying. When I was a school teacher............well that's obvious! And now as a parent, I love getting to spend time with my children when they are well rested and we are not constantly racing to school and after-school commitments at a set time.

Despite the many benefits of school holidays - having your gorgeous children hanging around the house day in, day out, can become tricky. This is especially true if your children are the type that find it hard to go off to their rooms to play quietly or you need to get on with housework or paid work whilst the children are at home. I am certainly not an expert in this, but here are some ideas I am trying out these holidays. Many of my suggestions are based on my location in the Eastern suburbs of Melbourne, but there will be similar options wherever you live.

1)

Apologies for the dodgy pic, it is Sunday night and I want to be authentic in what I share. 

ANYHOO.....I have made a super-simple table where I have divided each day of the week into thee sections. In the far left column, I have three times listed. 8:00 a.m., 12:00 and 3:00 p.m. Across the top of the table I have listed the days of the week. 

The idea is to plan activities in two out of three sections each day. I have written in some things that I already have planned. A bike ride with friends, a visit with Nana, a trip to the park. At the top, my children have added in their own ideas of things they would like to do. These are things that we will do during the times we don't have pre-planned activities. For the one un-planned section of each day, I will be expecting my children to spend at least an hour entertaining themselves without my involvement or the use of electronic devices. I will also allow them to watch tv or a DVD during this section of time. In an ideal world, I would love my children to be tv free, but I get tired, they get tired, and the tv gives us all some welcome down time. (That's usually when I go and have my nana nap).

2) Plan some fun outings. Going somewhere with another family from school, church, playgroup etc is a great way to take the pressure off you. Going out with your childrens' friends gives them someone to talk to on the outing which means you aren't always having to answer questions. It may also be a wonderful opportunity to get to know another parent. 

Here are some options I am thinking about for my children these holidays:

Melbourne Museum - 'Brickman Wonders of the World' 

I love a day out at the Melbourne Museum. The Childrens' gallery has just been renovated and is well worth a visit. Entry is free for kids and people holding a Health Care or Concession card. Adults are $14 each. Entry into the Brickman exhibition is additional. I would advise purchasing tickets on-line and booking the 10 a.m. session as you will be the first ones into the exhibit and will get to look around without the crowds that inevitably grow throughout the morning.

As far as parking goes, I usually get a free parking spot on Barkly Street or Murchison Street. It may take an extra 10 minutes to find a spot but it saves some money and the walk through the Carlton Gardens in Autumn is quite 'refreshing'. (Especially at 9:45 a.m.) Take along a packed lunch and you can store you backpack in the cloak room whilst you wander around the museum. When it gets close to lunchtime, grab a take-away coffee from the cafe and eat your picnic lunch outside near the playground.  

https://museumvictoria.com.au/melbournemuseum/whats-on/brickman-wonders-of-the-world/

Roller Skating 

This idea is a little 'retro' but my kids love it! Our favourite roller skating destination is Bayswater Roller City. On first look, it would appear that nothing has changed since you went there for Youth Group in 1989. However, the skating surface is not the usual hard concrete, so the children don't smash their knees every time they fall over. 

Their website has a voucher so that you can get two for one entry. When you pick up your skates, you can let the attendant know if your children are inexperienced skaters. They can tighten up the wheels on the roller skates so that they have a little more control over how fast the wheels turn. I love this feature. BUT, the real gem at Bayswater is the DJ! No longer do the kids spend 3 hours rolling around in circles, the roller skating session is punctuated by games, competitions and even roller-dancing, which gets all the kids involved and staying in the rink. 

Check the website for changes to session times, but at the time of writing this blog, the holiday sessions were running from 12-4.

http://bayswaterrollerskating.com.au/

Cooking

There are some parents out there who just LOVE cooking with their kids. I do enjoy the experience as long as I am in the right frame of mind. For this reason, I never let my children know that I am planning on a cooking session until we are just about to do it. I like to give myself the ability to back out at the last minute if I don't think the children are calm enough to enter into the experience safely. By that I mean, their over-the-top enthusiasm doesn't drive me to the brink of insanity resulting in me  getting cranky with them for no real reason!

Some little tips that I find helpful.

1) Make sure you have a fair idea of the recipe steps and the techniques the children will need to use to make the food. Perhaps the children aren't ready to use the mini-blow torch on the meringues quite yet????  Also check that the recipe doesn't require things to stand overnight or marinate for 3 days - having to wait days to eat your cooking is a cruel form of torture.

2) Line up the required ingredients and equipment on the bench ready to go. Allow the children to do as much measuring, weighing and egg-cracking as possible. Having all the things you need will ensure that you never have to turn your back on what they are doing. All my kitchen disasters and arguments have occurred when I turn my back. However, if your little darling manages to crack an egg on the side of the bench and then drop it on the floor - don't worry! We all make mistakes and dropping, spilling and splashing stuff is something we have all done. Chill out and don't scare your kids out of the kitchen by getting angry with them for doing something due to their youth and inexperience.

Playspace and bike path hunt 

With more and more apartment and townhouse dwellings being built, and the size of the average Aussie backyard shrinking, local councils are seeing the importance of creating places where families can go and enjoy the great outdoors. City councils provide a list of playgrounds and bike paths on their website, including information about the provision of accessible equipment, toilets, bbqs and in some cases, coffee shops. There are some amazing playgrounds hidden in some obscure places. There are also some woeful playgrounds that are not even worth stopping the car at. Pack some snacks and get ready for a drive around the neighbourhood finding playgrounds that will burn some energy and help develop your kids strength.

Here is the list for the City of Maroondah, my local area.

http://www.maroondah.vic.gov.au/GreenSpace.aspx

Holidays are an absolute joy if you are prepared. Yet they can also be a very long, tedious experience if you don't think ahead.

What ideas do you have for school holidays?

A time to build resilience? Or a time to just go buy a frozen coke at Maccas?

This week was our school sports day. I must say from the outset, the school did a brilliant job in running the event. The students were well behaved, we all had a brochure outlining the order of events for the day, the MC did a great job of keeping us informed of what was happening, the teachers were all positive and on task.

My own two children, however, did not have such a great day.

One of my children was emotionally fragile before the day even begun. A splash of water on their blue t-shirt resulted in a torrent of tears in the bathroom. Meltdown #1. We should have seen the early-warning signal!

I had set aside the day to attend Sports Day, not to be a parent helper, but to be a mother to my own two children, who do find these days difficult. The first issue occurred before the first race had even been run. I gave one child a pile of grapes thinking my other child wouldn't want any. Big mistake. They did want those grapes, but I had given them all to their sibling. Meltdown #2 for the day.

A running race for both children, long jump for one, high jump for the other. They returned to find that one of our drink bottles had fallen out of our bag and had been damaged when it had been kicked around by some students in front of us. Meltdown #3.

By this stage, it was 33 degrees and I could see that all the other students, although hot, were having a wonderful day. I had a choice. Persevere with the sports day, even though I was averaging one meltdown per hour, or take my children home before more meltdowns occurred. I decided to take my children home. I located both classroom teachers, briefly explained the situation and signed my children out. When I got back to the seating area, I found both my children in tears because one child had inadvertently bumped the book the other was reading thus losing the place they were up to in the book. Meltdown #4 for one child, Meltdown #1 for the other. What was lovely was seeing two other mums sitting with my children trying to calm them both down in my absence.

I sincerely thanked them for their help and explained to my children that I was going to give them the choice to stay at the sports day or go home early. Naturally both children eagerly took up option B. I then told them that we were going to go and get a frozen coke on the way home. There was happiness all round, especially from me, I love happy children AND frozen cokes! The supportive mums smiled with approval and one said "You have the patience of Job".
I smiled and said, "If I had the patience of Job, I would make my children stay for the whole day!"

Withdrawing my children from a difficult school experience does raise an interesting issue.

If I want to build resilient children, should I be yanking them out of school in the middle of the day?

Will my children learn that if they have a meltdown they will get out of school and have a frozen coke every time?

I would argue that building resilience is a life long journey. I want my children to 'toughen up' but I also want to show them that there are occasions when it's okay to say 'I give up - I actually want to step out of this situation as it is more than I can handle at the moment.' As their mum, I also knew that both my kids were going through a difficult time. We've just moved house, they had both had a big weekend and had been unwell recently. My mum is also very sick and the children are concerned about her. These meltdowns were about more than an aversion to sport, they were a symptom of my children in overload. Now was not the time to give them a lesson in resilience.

The reason for the frozen cokes?

Well, it was 33 degrees, I needed a frozen coke, I couldn't drink one in front of my kids and not offer them one - could I?

But seriously, if I had driven straight home from the sports day. The children would look back on the day as that hot, miserable experience where they kept on having meltdowns and then went home and watched tv.

The positive experience of the frozen coke re-framed the day. When my children reflect upon sports day they will remember that it was a hot day, they went in a few events and then got a frozen coke. They will remember that the last school sports day actually had quite a few good things about it. When sports day comes around next year, they will be keen to prepare for it. They will put their name down for a few events and I will come along and cheer them on.

If the weather is a little milder next year, my children are well-rested and worry free, sure, I'll make them stay all day! But either way, we will pick up a frozen coke on the way home! I deserve it!