A time to build resilience? Or a time to just go buy a frozen coke at Maccas?

This week was our school sports day. I must say from the outset, the school did a brilliant job in running the event. The students were well behaved, we all had a brochure outlining the order of events for the day, the MC did a great job of keeping us informed of what was happening, the teachers were all positive and on task.

My own two children, however, did not have such a great day.

One of my children was emotionally fragile before the day even begun. A splash of water on their blue t-shirt resulted in a torrent of tears in the bathroom. Meltdown #1. We should have seen the early-warning signal!

I had set aside the day to attend Sports Day, not to be a parent helper, but to be a mother to my own two children, who do find these days difficult. The first issue occurred before the first race had even been run. I gave one child a pile of grapes thinking my other child wouldn't want any. Big mistake. They did want those grapes, but I had given them all to their sibling. Meltdown #2 for the day.

A running race for both children, long jump for one, high jump for the other. They returned to find that one of our drink bottles had fallen out of our bag and had been damaged when it had been kicked around by some students in front of us. Meltdown #3.

By this stage, it was 33 degrees and I could see that all the other students, although hot, were having a wonderful day. I had a choice. Persevere with the sports day, even though I was averaging one meltdown per hour, or take my children home before more meltdowns occurred. I decided to take my children home. I located both classroom teachers, briefly explained the situation and signed my children out. When I got back to the seating area, I found both my children in tears because one child had inadvertently bumped the book the other was reading thus losing the place they were up to in the book. Meltdown #4 for one child, Meltdown #1 for the other. What was lovely was seeing two other mums sitting with my children trying to calm them both down in my absence.

I sincerely thanked them for their help and explained to my children that I was going to give them the choice to stay at the sports day or go home early. Naturally both children eagerly took up option B. I then told them that we were going to go and get a frozen coke on the way home. There was happiness all round, especially from me, I love happy children AND frozen cokes! The supportive mums smiled with approval and one said "You have the patience of Job".
I smiled and said, "If I had the patience of Job, I would make my children stay for the whole day!"

Withdrawing my children from a difficult school experience does raise an interesting issue.

If I want to build resilient children, should I be yanking them out of school in the middle of the day?

Will my children learn that if they have a meltdown they will get out of school and have a frozen coke every time?

I would argue that building resilience is a life long journey. I want my children to 'toughen up' but I also want to show them that there are occasions when it's okay to say 'I give up - I actually want to step out of this situation as it is more than I can handle at the moment.' As their mum, I also knew that both my kids were going through a difficult time. We've just moved house, they had both had a big weekend and had been unwell recently. My mum is also very sick and the children are concerned about her. These meltdowns were about more than an aversion to sport, they were a symptom of my children in overload. Now was not the time to give them a lesson in resilience.

The reason for the frozen cokes?

Well, it was 33 degrees, I needed a frozen coke, I couldn't drink one in front of my kids and not offer them one - could I?

But seriously, if I had driven straight home from the sports day. The children would look back on the day as that hot, miserable experience where they kept on having meltdowns and then went home and watched tv.

The positive experience of the frozen coke re-framed the day. When my children reflect upon sports day they will remember that it was a hot day, they went in a few events and then got a frozen coke. They will remember that the last school sports day actually had quite a few good things about it. When sports day comes around next year, they will be keen to prepare for it. They will put their name down for a few events and I will come along and cheer them on.

If the weather is a little milder next year, my children are well-rested and worry free, sure, I'll make them stay all day! But either way, we will pick up a frozen coke on the way home! I deserve it!

USE YOUR VOICE

This may come as a shock to many of you - but I was given an incredible gift when I was created in my mother's womb. "What gift?" I hear you ask.

I was given a loud, clear voice.

I suspect my parents and sisters became aware of this gift within hours of my birth.

I first became aware of it when I was 7, playing in the street with a friend outside her house. We were having a delightful game of make-believe when her dad stormed outside and said to me "You are too noisy" and then he pointed at my friend "you need to do your chores". I was stunned, how can one be too noisy when playing on the footpath?

Fast forward 20 years, and my loud voice was no longer a problem but an asset when commanding the attention of 350+ primary school children in the school gym.

I continue to be reminded that perhaps my voice is louder than average when I speak to my children in K-Mart. I would like to blame the acoustics in the toy section....however, whenever I say something such as "OK children, 5 minutes until we go", every other person in the toy section stops and looks at me. In fact some onlookers have even been known to demonstrate a 'startle response' to the sound of my warm, loving voice addressing my children. As I said  - it's a gift.

In addition to an above average volume, I have also been gifted with the ability to not be afraid to use my voice. I think this was particularly demonstrated in the early 2000's when I would share my personal opinion on absolutely every agenda item raised in staff meetings. (It is at this point that I would like to apologise to all my colleagues who had to endure staff meetings with me during this era!)

I continue to be outspoken in my opinions and demonstrate an eagerness to share my 'constructive opinion' on all manner of topics. However, I am also learning (slowly) to be a little more discerning in when I demonstrate this ability. Just like the boy who cried wolf, if I use my voice all the time, people tire of listening to it and no longer respond to it. At the same time, if I never use my voice, I may allow things to occur that are not beneficial to my loved ones. It's a tricky balance.

In recent months, my mother has been in and out of hospitals and care facilities. We have generally had good experiences with these, but a couple of weeks ago mum found herself in a hospital that was not doing the right thing by her. I had a choice, I could grumble about what was going on to whomever would listen OR I could use my voice wisely and locate the best avenue by which to express my concerns and have them addressed. With a bit of help from my brother-in-law,
I located a service which would enable me to get in contact with the CEO of the hospital in question. I respectfully but truthfully aired my concerns, and found I was listened to - and things were put right.

When it comes to the education system, parents can generally fall into one of two categories. Some parents let the teacher know about each and every problem that arises with their child. They send angry emails, stand at the classroom door exasperated and share their annoyance with whomever is in the car park at the time. These people seem to always find something to complain about and teacher's fear their next interaction with such parents.  On the other extreme, there are parents who see problems, feel frustrated about them but are too nervous about talking to the teacher. These parents are the ones who need to speak up, because the teacher will never know there is a problem unless you tell them. I can speak for all teachers when I say that we want to hear from you if your child is struggling with something and we don't know about it!

The trick is to use your voice wisely. 

Speak up if your child has a learning challenge that the teacher needs to hear about.

Speak up when your child's right to feel safe and to have equal access to education is not being recognised.

Speak up when you see any child at risk due to the actions or inactions of another person.

Speak and tread carefully when your child has made a complaint about the class teacher or another class member - there are two sides to every story!

Stay silent when you wake up grumpy and everyone is annoying you today - including your child's teacher.

Stay silent if the person you are speaking to has no power to change the situation for you or your child.


If you need help in working out whether you need to 'speak up' about an issue concerning your child's education, contact me on 0425 792 189 for a confidential, free chat.
I'm happy to tell you whether you need to speak up or stay silent! 

School Refusal - The New Epidemic?

In 1998 I worked on a campsite in the USA. It was an amazing experience, living with a bunch of children for a week or two at a time. The camp site held around 200 children. There was one particularly memorable camp when around 25% of our children came to camp with Ritalin, a medication used for managing the behaviours associated with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I remember all the Camp Counsellors being surprised by how many children had been given this diagnosis and were subsequently medicated. I can assure you it was quite an action-packed camp with so many dynamic children gathered together in one place. This camp also coincided with a tornado warning, so we had 200 kids running wildly around the campsite in fear of being blown away.....Good Times!

When I commenced teaching in 2000, it was common to have one or two students in a class who had been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. We were sent to Professional Development sessions to assist us in developing strategies to meet the needs of our students. I must admit, it took me several years to figure out that every student is different and no one strategy would be the 'educational answer' for the needs of our diverse student population. 

Toward the mid 2000's, we were hearing more about children who had been diagnosed as being on 'The Spectrum.' The term was used to encompass a condition many would know as Aspergers Syndrome or Autism. The impact of condition upon children is many and varied. Once again we were sent off to Professional Development seminars to understand what school is like from the perspective of a student on the Autism Spectrum. 

Whereas ADHD seminars were about containing and entertaining the student. Spectrum seminars were more about providing a predictable, calm environment for students so that they were able to learn without distraction or distress.

In 2017, our schools have a small representation of students who have been diagnosed with ADHD and a significantly larger representation of student who have been diagnosed somewhere along the Autism Spectrum. However, we are now seeing a new condition impacting a growing number of students in our schools. The student known as 'The School Refuser.

THE SCHOOL REFUSER

Every parent has days when their child just doesn't want to go to school. Maybe they're sick, it's school athletics day, they have an exam or a school project due that day. The parent decides whether to push their child to go to school or to let them stay home. For most parents, regardless of their decision, their child will happily rock up to school the next day and carry on with their school life without a problem.

However, some children find it hard to return to school after an absence. Some may argue that the child is 'taking advantage of their parents' by conning them into having more time off, but this is rarely the case. For many families, school refusal has become a huge challenge and one that we must work together to combat. 

WHY REFUSE SCHOOL?

The original reasons for missing school are be many and varied. Some reasons could be

• illness
• avoidance of a subject due to incomplete work 
• fear of a teacher
• fear of other students 
• fear of becoming unwell at school
• mental health issues e.g. depression, anorexia
• Post traumatic stress disorder - induced by a factor either within or outside of school

The list is endless. 

What is common to all these situations is that having missed a few days of school, the student has found themselves in a position where the thought of returning to school is overwhelming. This is not a case of a child being stubborn and 'putting one over mum and dad'. Rather, the student is so fearful of attending school that they physically and mentally cannot go through the motions of 'going to school'. Unless the parent physically forces their child into a vehicle and drags them to their classroom, there is actually nothing a parent can do to at that moment to get their child to attend school.

What is needed is a long term approach. You cannot get a student who is refusing to go to school to suddenly 'cheer up' and jump on the school bus. Instead, the family need to gather people around them that will work alongside them to identify the factors that are causing this student to be fearful of school. Having identified those factors the student needs to be provided with the educational, physical, emotional and psychological support to take control of their fears of school. This takes time, patience, insight and a bit of trial and error. 

It isn't a matter of just sending teachers off to a Professional Development session to learn how to cater to the needs of a 'School Refuser'. Instead, we all need to be watchful of how the young people around us are coping with school. Listen out for any indication that they are finding school difficult and be quick to offer support before they become overwhelmed and fearful of the 'school experience'.

If you suspect your child may be developing a fear of school that is beyond what is 'normal' for a young person, take the following steps.

1) Encourage your child to talk about the highs and lows of their school day. Give them your full attention. Don't ever tell them that they are being silly or that they are 'just imaging it'. If your child is worried about school, then there is something causing it. Hopefully, just debriefing about school is all your child needs to do to stay motivated and happy with attending school.

2) Speak to your child's teachers. Ask them if they have noticed anything about your child. Let them know what you have observed and see if there are accommodations that can be made to make school less stressful for your child.

3) Speak to your family doctor about any possible medical or psychological causes for your child's distress. Doctors can also provide medical certificates to vouch for the genuine need for your child to have time off school whilst they lower their anxiety levels.

4) Look for other trusted adults who can support your child with their schooling. Exploring All Options provides this service. We sit down with students and chat about how things are going at school and then carefully address subject areas that have homework and assignments due. By working alongside a trusted adult that is not a parent, students can remain on top of their work, thus reducing the likelihood of refusing school due to incomplete work. 

5) If your child is refusing to go to school despite employing all the above options, seek out the help of a support worker who can spend significant time with your child addressing the issues that led to their school refusal. The end goal is to see your child returning to school with the support and strategies in place to keep them attending school.

Next time you hear about a student who is 'refusing to go to school', don't be hasty to judge the child or their parents. Instead, offer the family your time and support to get them through this difficult period.

If you are concerned that your child may be developing school refusal tendencies, call me on 0425 792 189 for a FREE chat. Sometimes we need to Explore All Options to ensure the best outcome for our children.