NEWS FLASH "CROYDON HILLS WOMAN TAKES CHILDREN BIKE RIDING"

This morning a Croydon Hills woman shocked onlookers when she went for a bike ride with her seven and nine year old children at 9 a.m. in the morning. She left the security of her home without her phone, purse or a supply of snack-food for the children. Armed only with her bike helmet and a positive outlook, she set off into the wilds of Croydon Hills.
'My wife would never choose to take the kids bike riding, let alone go riding on her own bike', her bewildered husband commented. 'I just looked out the window and there they all were, casually riding down the street.'
What makes this incident even more puzzling is that the woman went riding without a clear idea of where they were going and what hill climbs may be involved. 
'I knew there was a big park near our house with a bit of a path around it, so I thought we would just ride there.' the mother commented. 'However, things took a turn for the worse when we discovered that the circuit we had chosen to ride around ended up with a significant hill climb in order to get home.' the middle aged mother stated. When asked if she will attempt such a feat again she replied 'I think next time, I will put my kids bikes in the boot and drive them to a local park that we know has flat bike paths. Proximity to a coffee shop would also be helpful.'
It remains to be seen whether this mother will ever take her children bike riding again.


For those readers who know me personally, you will appreciate just what a feat it was to take my children bike riding without my husband. He is a keen cyclist and even has a bike for riding on the road and a bike for riding 'off road'. I find that bewildering! However, my kids and I joined up for a promotion called 'Active April', where you endeavour to do 30 minutes of exercise a day plus my children were fighting like cat and dog this morning, so I had to get them out and do something! Things really did start very well. There were a few shaky moments, like when my daughter's head band that she was holding in her hand (in addition to the handle bars) landed on the ground and her brother didn't really feel like assisting her in retrieving it. There was also the moment when my son discovered that he didn't really like the feel of gravel slipping beneath his tyres. However, this paled into insignificance when we had to walk a couple of hundred metres up a steep footpath in order to get home. One child took it in their stride. They just pushed their bike at a steady pace, knowing that our house was just around the corner. My other child found the effort involved in pushing the bike up the hill to be all too much. Sadly, as I was busy pushing my own bike, I was unable to help them. So, I listened to the moaning as we mounted the hill. 'I feel sick! I think I'm going to vomit!' were regular cries. However, suddenly the weary child dropped the most incredible phrase.

'I can't believe I'm doing this when I'm not even going to get a certificate for it!'

What!?!?! Are you kidding me? What do you mean you're not even getting a certificate for this? Do I offer certificates for other school holiday activities? Does the activity only find it's value in what recognition you get afterwards?

I've got to say, I was truly shocked that my child felt that their situation was so much worse because they wouldn't get concrete recognition of their efforts. Did I fail as a mother in allowing my children to think this way?

Maybe, maybe not.

I promise you, I don't give out certificates to my children for getting dressed in the morning, having a shower, playing in the playground or even being kind to a difficult house guest.

However, their sporting clubs give my children certificates or 'rewards' for getting through a term of weekly lessons. My children each get the chance to be 'student of the week' at school and are guaranteed at least two certificates a year from their classroom teacher. The maths program our school uses gives the children weekly progress certificates that they can print out and put on the wall. When my son does his ICAS tests later this year, he will get a certificate of participation, no matter what score he gets.

I have a large plastic tub full of certificates, 'special memory' book and even a trophy or two for my kids. The only certificates I received were for piano exams and the one I received during Year 10 careers week for being the "Best Interviewed Student". I didn't even get a certificate when I was 'Checkout Operator of the Month' at Safeway Blackburn North - what's with that?

Somewhere along the line, my child has concluded that you only push yourself hard when you know there is a tangible reward at the end. The fact that they were engaging in exercise, exploring the neighbourhood, seeing their mother on a bike for the first time ever - none of that was rewarding enough. But a piece of glossy paper sent through the printer would make it right? How did this happen!

Well, as I pushed my own bike up the hill, I thought, 'Things are going to have to change'. I need to make less of a fuss when my children do things that are 'normal, everyday activities'. I need to stop doing a congratulatory song and dance every time my children clean their room or get through a day without physically or verbally attacking their sibling. I also need to model doing things without expecting gratitude or recognition, because that is how life is sometimes. Oh - and bribes - I probably need to stop telling my children that they will get a treat or be able to watch t.v. if they clean their room.

My hope is that if I get the balance right, my children will start to do great things because they enjoy the experience in itself or recognise the long-term benefits of engaging in the task, even if it is unpleasant in the short-term.

One day, my children are going to have to persevere with their school work, or keep going with a monotonous task at work and they won't be given a shiny certificate to recognise their efforts. If I don't start changing my childrens' expectations now, we all might be in for a rough road ahead!

A time to build resilience? Or a time to just go buy a frozen coke at Maccas?

This week was our school sports day. I must say from the outset, the school did a brilliant job in running the event. The students were well behaved, we all had a brochure outlining the order of events for the day, the MC did a great job of keeping us informed of what was happening, the teachers were all positive and on task.

My own two children, however, did not have such a great day.

One of my children was emotionally fragile before the day even begun. A splash of water on their blue t-shirt resulted in a torrent of tears in the bathroom. Meltdown #1. We should have seen the early-warning signal!

I had set aside the day to attend Sports Day, not to be a parent helper, but to be a mother to my own two children, who do find these days difficult. The first issue occurred before the first race had even been run. I gave one child a pile of grapes thinking my other child wouldn't want any. Big mistake. They did want those grapes, but I had given them all to their sibling. Meltdown #2 for the day.

A running race for both children, long jump for one, high jump for the other. They returned to find that one of our drink bottles had fallen out of our bag and had been damaged when it had been kicked around by some students in front of us. Meltdown #3.

By this stage, it was 33 degrees and I could see that all the other students, although hot, were having a wonderful day. I had a choice. Persevere with the sports day, even though I was averaging one meltdown per hour, or take my children home before more meltdowns occurred. I decided to take my children home. I located both classroom teachers, briefly explained the situation and signed my children out. When I got back to the seating area, I found both my children in tears because one child had inadvertently bumped the book the other was reading thus losing the place they were up to in the book. Meltdown #4 for one child, Meltdown #1 for the other. What was lovely was seeing two other mums sitting with my children trying to calm them both down in my absence.

I sincerely thanked them for their help and explained to my children that I was going to give them the choice to stay at the sports day or go home early. Naturally both children eagerly took up option B. I then told them that we were going to go and get a frozen coke on the way home. There was happiness all round, especially from me, I love happy children AND frozen cokes! The supportive mums smiled with approval and one said "You have the patience of Job".
I smiled and said, "If I had the patience of Job, I would make my children stay for the whole day!"

Withdrawing my children from a difficult school experience does raise an interesting issue.

If I want to build resilient children, should I be yanking them out of school in the middle of the day?

Will my children learn that if they have a meltdown they will get out of school and have a frozen coke every time?

I would argue that building resilience is a life long journey. I want my children to 'toughen up' but I also want to show them that there are occasions when it's okay to say 'I give up - I actually want to step out of this situation as it is more than I can handle at the moment.' As their mum, I also knew that both my kids were going through a difficult time. We've just moved house, they had both had a big weekend and had been unwell recently. My mum is also very sick and the children are concerned about her. These meltdowns were about more than an aversion to sport, they were a symptom of my children in overload. Now was not the time to give them a lesson in resilience.

The reason for the frozen cokes?

Well, it was 33 degrees, I needed a frozen coke, I couldn't drink one in front of my kids and not offer them one - could I?

But seriously, if I had driven straight home from the sports day. The children would look back on the day as that hot, miserable experience where they kept on having meltdowns and then went home and watched tv.

The positive experience of the frozen coke re-framed the day. When my children reflect upon sports day they will remember that it was a hot day, they went in a few events and then got a frozen coke. They will remember that the last school sports day actually had quite a few good things about it. When sports day comes around next year, they will be keen to prepare for it. They will put their name down for a few events and I will come along and cheer them on.

If the weather is a little milder next year, my children are well-rested and worry free, sure, I'll make them stay all day! But either way, we will pick up a frozen coke on the way home! I deserve it!

School Refusal - The New Epidemic?

In 1998 I worked on a campsite in the USA. It was an amazing experience, living with a bunch of children for a week or two at a time. The camp site held around 200 children. There was one particularly memorable camp when around 25% of our children came to camp with Ritalin, a medication used for managing the behaviours associated with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). I remember all the Camp Counsellors being surprised by how many children had been given this diagnosis and were subsequently medicated. I can assure you it was quite an action-packed camp with so many dynamic children gathered together in one place. This camp also coincided with a tornado warning, so we had 200 kids running wildly around the campsite in fear of being blown away.....Good Times!

When I commenced teaching in 2000, it was common to have one or two students in a class who had been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD. We were sent to Professional Development sessions to assist us in developing strategies to meet the needs of our students. I must admit, it took me several years to figure out that every student is different and no one strategy would be the 'educational answer' for the needs of our diverse student population. 

Toward the mid 2000's, we were hearing more about children who had been diagnosed as being on 'The Spectrum.' The term was used to encompass a condition many would know as Aspergers Syndrome or Autism. The impact of condition upon children is many and varied. Once again we were sent off to Professional Development seminars to understand what school is like from the perspective of a student on the Autism Spectrum. 

Whereas ADHD seminars were about containing and entertaining the student. Spectrum seminars were more about providing a predictable, calm environment for students so that they were able to learn without distraction or distress.

In 2017, our schools have a small representation of students who have been diagnosed with ADHD and a significantly larger representation of student who have been diagnosed somewhere along the Autism Spectrum. However, we are now seeing a new condition impacting a growing number of students in our schools. The student known as 'The School Refuser.

THE SCHOOL REFUSER

Every parent has days when their child just doesn't want to go to school. Maybe they're sick, it's school athletics day, they have an exam or a school project due that day. The parent decides whether to push their child to go to school or to let them stay home. For most parents, regardless of their decision, their child will happily rock up to school the next day and carry on with their school life without a problem.

However, some children find it hard to return to school after an absence. Some may argue that the child is 'taking advantage of their parents' by conning them into having more time off, but this is rarely the case. For many families, school refusal has become a huge challenge and one that we must work together to combat. 

WHY REFUSE SCHOOL?

The original reasons for missing school are be many and varied. Some reasons could be

• illness
• avoidance of a subject due to incomplete work 
• fear of a teacher
• fear of other students 
• fear of becoming unwell at school
• mental health issues e.g. depression, anorexia
• Post traumatic stress disorder - induced by a factor either within or outside of school

The list is endless. 

What is common to all these situations is that having missed a few days of school, the student has found themselves in a position where the thought of returning to school is overwhelming. This is not a case of a child being stubborn and 'putting one over mum and dad'. Rather, the student is so fearful of attending school that they physically and mentally cannot go through the motions of 'going to school'. Unless the parent physically forces their child into a vehicle and drags them to their classroom, there is actually nothing a parent can do to at that moment to get their child to attend school.

What is needed is a long term approach. You cannot get a student who is refusing to go to school to suddenly 'cheer up' and jump on the school bus. Instead, the family need to gather people around them that will work alongside them to identify the factors that are causing this student to be fearful of school. Having identified those factors the student needs to be provided with the educational, physical, emotional and psychological support to take control of their fears of school. This takes time, patience, insight and a bit of trial and error. 

It isn't a matter of just sending teachers off to a Professional Development session to learn how to cater to the needs of a 'School Refuser'. Instead, we all need to be watchful of how the young people around us are coping with school. Listen out for any indication that they are finding school difficult and be quick to offer support before they become overwhelmed and fearful of the 'school experience'.

If you suspect your child may be developing a fear of school that is beyond what is 'normal' for a young person, take the following steps.

1) Encourage your child to talk about the highs and lows of their school day. Give them your full attention. Don't ever tell them that they are being silly or that they are 'just imaging it'. If your child is worried about school, then there is something causing it. Hopefully, just debriefing about school is all your child needs to do to stay motivated and happy with attending school.

2) Speak to your child's teachers. Ask them if they have noticed anything about your child. Let them know what you have observed and see if there are accommodations that can be made to make school less stressful for your child.

3) Speak to your family doctor about any possible medical or psychological causes for your child's distress. Doctors can also provide medical certificates to vouch for the genuine need for your child to have time off school whilst they lower their anxiety levels.

4) Look for other trusted adults who can support your child with their schooling. Exploring All Options provides this service. We sit down with students and chat about how things are going at school and then carefully address subject areas that have homework and assignments due. By working alongside a trusted adult that is not a parent, students can remain on top of their work, thus reducing the likelihood of refusing school due to incomplete work. 

5) If your child is refusing to go to school despite employing all the above options, seek out the help of a support worker who can spend significant time with your child addressing the issues that led to their school refusal. The end goal is to see your child returning to school with the support and strategies in place to keep them attending school.

Next time you hear about a student who is 'refusing to go to school', don't be hasty to judge the child or their parents. Instead, offer the family your time and support to get them through this difficult period.

If you are concerned that your child may be developing school refusal tendencies, call me on 0425 792 189 for a FREE chat. Sometimes we need to Explore All Options to ensure the best outcome for our children.